The Doctors Son Book 1 : Twisted Dreams
by Nurse Betty Page
Summary: Book 1 of 2 : After an attack by the Cybermen, the Doctor suffers a head injury causing a dramatic change to his personality. Clara becomes his carer, but then falls pregnant and struggles to cope with the Doctor's volatile moods. But help is at hand - coming from a time traveller named Raymond - who is far closer to the Doctor and Clara than they could possibly imagine...
1. Chapter 1

**Twisted Dreams**

**(AU setting 12 X Clara pairing)**

**After a violent deep space encounter with hostile alien forces, a single enemy shot rings out on the Tardis flight deck, and believing himself hit, the world around the Doctor fades to black. Soon after, he wakes to an altered reality in a nightmarish world where nothing seems real – and in this world, it seems it was Clara who was shot - _not _the Doctor - and he fears he may lose his Impossible Girl...**

**As the Doctor tries to make sense of this strange altered world, he is haunted by ghostly visions of Clara begging him to help her, and along with those images, he catches fleeting glimpses of silver suited creatures, and when Clara begins to recover and tells him she can see them too, he realises their reality is being manipulated by the Cybermen...**

**But the Doctor does not yet know that he has figured out only _half_ of the situation – very little in this artificial world is based upon reality, but when the facts are revealed about what _really_ happened on the day the Tardis came under attack, a truth will be uncovered that will reveal the Doctor's deepest hopes and dreams - and change his life, and his relationship with Clara Oswald, forever...**

* * *

**Rated T**

**Warnings: Some scenes of violence and trauma, references to drug taking, references to trauma and also scenes of romantic and passionate love.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything, I write for love of fan fiction.**

* * *

Chapter 1

She had a slightly flushed look about her face.

The Doctor looked at her, enjoying that flushed look that reminded him of so many things - and all of them deep and wonderful.

"What's going on?" Clara asked him.

Her face was still flushed, that blush had started from the minute he had surprised her at work and walked into the classroom in his caretakers jacket and asked if he could have a _quick word_ with her...

Clara had told the class she would be back soon, and then as she headed for the door she had turned back on hearing a giggle, but failed to spot the culprit. She had already heard the whispers going around the school:

_Ozzie loves the caretaker..._

_How did the kids pick up on this sort of stuff?_

"Well?" she asked, "What was so important that you had to drag me out in the middle of class?"

His gaze briefly shifted up and down her body as he noticed the way her skirt hugged her hips. Clara had great hips. And the skirt came just above her knees, he liked that, too. He liked everything about her, because he loved her.

_And she loved him too._

It hadn't taken long for the truth to come out, she had made her choice and now he _was_ her boyfriend...

"I wanted to see you," he replied,"We can be gone for as long as we like - I can bring you back here five minutes after we left, no one will ever know."

She started to smile. And he knew that look, she wanted to grab him and squeeze him.

He smiled too.

"Don't hug me, I just want you to come with me in the Tardis, then we might hold hands."

She stepped closer and looked up at him.

"And then?"

He took off his caretakers jacket and tossed it over the back of a chair behind the caretakers desk, then he smoothed down his dark suit and opened the Tardis door.

"After you."

As she passed him and went inside she brushed against him and the Doctor felt a shiver run through his body. He closed the Tardis door and joined her at the console.

* * *

Clara watched him fondly as he activated controls threw a lever and the Tardis set off on its way. He could feel her eyes on him and he suddenly felt shy as he glanced at her, recalling how she had warmed through his reserved exterior with her gentle heart and her deep love.

He was still not a man who enjoyed being hugged, but when they were alone together he _did_ hold her often, he held her hand, he drew her close and kissed her and later, after their bodies had joined together in a union that left him weak and breathless and blinking away tears of joy, _then_ he held her, he held her in his arms as their skin slid warm together damp from the sweat of their lovemaking...

_Now he couldn't imagine his life without her, not now he knew that she loved him as much as he loved her..._

"Where are we going?" she asked him.

"Just away for a while," he replied, "You and me and the beauty of time and space."

"That could lead to trouble!"

"So could me taking hold of your hand, I was rather hoping it would."

And she smiled again as her eyes shone with love.

And the Doctor blinked and saw something strange and sudden through a misty haze:

_Smoke and sparking wires, the smell of scorched metal filled the air and he knew the console was damaged as he frantically tried to put up a shield._

_The Tardis doors were open and something was standing in the doorway, obscured by the smoke as lights flickered on and off. Something had broken through the shield system, something that stood tall and gleaming in the haze of smoke and glimpses of it shone silver._

_He reached for the controls, re-routing power to set a new course and seal down the breach, to lose that thing in mid-flight as the Tardis shifted dimension._

_The Doctor slammed down a lever and hoped for the best._

_A shot rang out, a sharp, short blast that cut through the smoke and as it slammed into the side of his head he slumped to the floor as Clara screamed._

_The lights were still blinking on and off as sparks flew from the console._

"Doctor?"

Her voice pulled him away from the sights and sound of the vision, shutting it down abruptly.

He turned to her and she saw a look of alarm in his eyes.

"What's wrong?"

"I...I don't know, I saw -"

He gave a gasp as the image returned:

_The Tardis was dark and lights stuttered and smoke hung thick in the air. The figure in the doorway was sucked out into space as the shields strengthened and locked down, the door of the Tardis slammed shut and the ship left the depths of space, speeding through time as it sought its new destination._

_Clara was on her knees and blood was running over her hands, so much blood..._

_He heard her call for help, and she sounded terrified._

_His last thought was that very little terrified Clara, but today she was afraid._

_He wondered why, and then he saw something small and glowing encased in a clear shell and an odd thought struck him:_

_That was not a bullet._

_It was something else._

Clara was calling to him again...

He turned to her, hoping the vision would fade - but as he saw her terrified expression through the smoke and smelled the stench of scorched wires as the lights flickered on and off he knew this was no longer a vision.

_This was real._

_When, and how?_

As the ship lurched she fell against him, smearing his white shirt with blood and he wondered whose blood it was.

_His head was still throbbing as the lights went out._

* * *

The Doctor had no memory of the Tardis landing.

He had heard no sound nor felt a jolt but the ship was now still, smoke rose from the controls and the smoke was fading out as dim emergency lighting began to glow.

He sat up and coughed, felt no lingering pain and then as something warm and wet trickled down his face he touched it and saw blood on his fingertips. A vague ache was throbbing quietly at the side of his head, he guessed he must have hit it on the console when the event had occurred..

_What the hell had happened here?_

He sat there for a moment, listening but hearing nothing but a hum of power that was slightly off key to its usual low tone, most likely due to the compromised power flow due to the wiring damage...

Yes, the Tardis was damaged - but it was nothing he couldn't fix.

He was still sitting there, listening to the altered tone of the Tardis power flow as he tried to make sense of what had happened:

The events played over in his mind again, and still the Doctor could make no sense of it. Nothing had happened in a constant flow, it was as if he had lived through those moments in-between freeze-frames of time, like layers of a dream, one after the other, had been stitched together.

_But this was real._

_It was too real._

Clara was on the floor beside him, there was a small wound to her temple and she was bleeding heavily...

"_Clara?"_

As he turned her over, his fear was dampened down a little by the fact that she was definitely breathing. Her face was pale, her eyes were closed, the sound of his voice could not rouse her – but she was definitely still alive.

He got up and leaned on the console heavily as he hit some buttons, his hand trembling from shock as he sought information from the Tardis:

He was on Earth, the year was 2060.

Good, the Tardis had managed to understand the hastily set commands and taken them out of the danger and back to Earth, a few decades ahead of Clara's own time and place.

"Thank you," the Doctor whispered as he looked down at the damaged controls of the Tardis, "You saved us, old girl..."

And then he went back over to the spot where Clara lay motionless. Blood was running from the head wound, soaking her hair crimson...

_She had been shot?_

For a brief moment the nightmare sequence of events played through his mind again as he recalled something hitting him, punching through his head.

He thought _he_ had been hit, _not_ her...

Maybe he had hit his head on the console, it felt as if he had...

The Doctor lifted Clara into his arms and began to carry her towards the door of the Tardis. She stayed limp in his arms, and her stillness frightened him, because nothing could terrify him more than the thought of losing the one he loved...

* * *

The Doctor stepped out of the Tardis and Clara felt like a dead weight in his arms. Blood was still running from her head wound, dripping softly to a concrete floor. The Doctor could hear every drop as it splashed to the floor, echoing around the dimly lit corridor.

He did not know exactly where they were, but it seemed to be the basement level of an abandoned building.

Clara was growing heavier n his arms, and he gently placed her against the closed door of the Tardis, keeping her in a sitting position, leaning her head back against the door.

"I have to find help," he said softly, "Don't be afraid, I won't be gone long."

Then he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and placed it against the wound, and the white cotton began to soak through crimson rapidly as the bleeding failed to stop.

"I won't be long!" he said again, and then he got up and turned towards the long, dimly lit corridor where tiles had partly fallen from damp walls.

As he walked towards the end of the corridor, a scratching, crackling noise passed through the walls and the Doctor stopped and stared at the sight of the remaining tiles set on the wall:

_They were peeling back, lifting away from the damp walls and floating free._

Then they cracked sharply and shattered as the Doctor ducked and shards flew about the corridor.

He turned back, shaken by the unexplained event, and saw that Clara was thankfully safe – she was too far back up the corridor to have been affected by the shattering tiles. She was still on the floor, slumped against the door of the Tardis, and she was still breathing, he could just about detect the rise and fall of her chest at this distance, and knowing she was still alive gave him the strength to carry on.

He turned away and ran towards the end of the corridor, where lights glowed green illuminating an old, dirty sign that said_ Lift._

He felt in his pocket and it came as a great relief to know he was still carrying his sonic screwdriver. If the lift malfunctioned, he would be able to get it going again...

_They were getting out of this place._

* * *

The Doctor ran back down the corridor, reached Clara and paused to breathe, then he lifted her into his arms and began to carry her back towards the lift, as he made his way up the corridor her blood ran freely and dripped to the ground, leaving a trail, splashing on to the concrete floor and hitting shards of shattered tiles like the fall of heavy raindrops.

The sound echoed, filling the corridor like the ticking of a clock counting down towards the end of everything.

It would be the end for him if Clara died..

_He tried not to think about losing her._

_That was his greatest fear._

The lift button was stuck. He struggled to keep her steady in his arms as he drew the sonic screwdriver from his pocket and gave the button a blast.

The doors slid open and he carried her into the lift, where the walls were covered with cracked mirrors reflecting his shocked expression as the doors closed and he saw the distorted image of himself, spattered with blood, his and Clara's, reflected in every cracked pane.

The Doctor hit the internal controls and the doors closed, then he pressed the button for the ground floor, and the lift began to rise uneasily as old stiff gears creaked and groaned.

She was still motionless in his arms, but her chest was rising and falling, so he knew she was alive. As long as Clara kept breathing, he could stay strong.

"I'm sorry," he whispered as the lift continued an uneasy climb, "I don't know what happened...I'm not even sure how it happened...but I'll sort this out, I'll get you some help and we _will_ get away from here, I promise..."

And he wanted to hold her closer as he made that vow, but he was afraid of moving her more than he needed to, because she was cold in his arms and still bleeding. But she was breathing, and as long as she breathed, he was determined to find a way out...

The lift came to a stop with a jolt, and as the doors opened the Doctor stepped out, leaving a deeply soaked patch of crimson on the carpet on the floor of the lift.

As he carried her out into the ground floor and towards the open doors of the building, he was crossing a cracked floor, here the windows were dirty and the place was empty and silent. Perhaps this place had once been an office building of some kind, but it was long abandoned...

* * *

The Doctor stepped out into the street and he saw cars passing by on a busy road, people were walking along both sides of the street, here and there shops were open, but most had boarded up windows.

This had once been a busy area, but urban decay had set in long ago...

"I need some help!" he called.

_And no one noticed him._

The Doctor stood there on the busy street as people passed him by, not looking twice at the sight of him standing there, blood on his face and his shirt and dripping from the head of his wounded companion...

_Could no one see them? _

The Doctor stared at the crowd of shoppers who passed them by, then he watched as cars drove along, not even slowing to take a look at the bloody people at the roadside.

"_I need some help!"_ he said again.

And the sky flickered.

He heard a sharp click.

The Doctor looked around, but saw nothing altered.

He looked up at the sky, but now it had returned to shade of blue dotted with clouds.

"What was that?" he whispered as he began to think back to the start of this nightmare as he tried to find an answer.

Then it hit him that this felt like a nightmare – except he was sure it was real, because his head was aching and blood was running from his own wound.

He wanted this to be no more than a bad dream, but it _was _real. It had to be.

It was just the sudden gaps in time, the slow motion moments like the tiles floating off the wall, that he could not explain.

_Maybe he was hallucinating._

That seemed likely, and if he was, he guessed it ought to come as no surprise after the blow to the head he had suffered...

Then the cars and the people and everything that moved slipped forward and blurred and the world fell silent.

It came back to life immediately, and the world seemed to jolt just like the ancient lift back in the basement...

* * *

"_Sir?"_

The voice echoed in his mind

"Sir?" she said again, and suddenly he could hear her clearly, "Can you tell me what happened?"

And the woman touched his shoulder.

The Doctor turned and looked into the eyes of a woman whose age he could not guess at, she was beautiful and her blonde hair fell to her shoulders but the look in her hazel eyes certainly carried a great deal of strength.

"Where am I?" he said, feeling disoriented as he looked around and realised Clara was no longer in his arms and he was now standing outside the entrance to a large hospital.

"I'm Doctor Nina Bracken," she said, "Can you tell me what happened, Doctor?"

He stared at her. He was still stunned by the fact that it seemed one minute Clara had been heavy in his arms, and now she was gone...

"How do you know my name?"

"You told me your name when Clara was being taken inside."

"I need to see her -"

"Doctor, she is very weak. We have to stabilise her before we can treat her. I need to know what happened."

The Doctor looked into her eyes feeling bewildered.

"I keep...missing moments, I don't understand this...are you _real_?"

She looked intently at him.

"You took a blow to the head. You should get that checked out."

"_I'm more concerned about my girlfriend!"_

"Come with me," she said, and he followed her into the building.

* * *

As they stood in the middle of a wide reception area, the Doctor blinked, and the busy room seemed to blur at speed, like hours had rushed by in a split second. Then he looked back at Nina, and the world slowed to normal pace once more.

"I said, do you remember what happened?"

He shook his head.

"I'm not sure...it keeps getting mixed up...I thought I was shot -"

"Clara was shot." she told him, "And we can't take the bullet out yet."

She led him towards a corridor, and he followed, and suddenly they were the only two people around.

He wondered why the corridor seemed so vast and empty, but that thought was pushed aside by his concern for the woman he loved as he turned to Nina and looked hard at her, demanding answers:

"_My ship was hijacked and shots were fired! I keep losing time or time keeps losing me and I don't get it and I don't like it! Tell me what's going on!"_

She was giving him that look again, like she doubted every word he had just said.

"Doctor, you need to sit down and calm down, because you're not helping yourself or Clara."

She led him over to a waiting area and he sat down heavily as his head ached and he paused to rub at his temples.

"As soon as she is stable I'll be able to tell you more," Nina said, "Until then, just wait here and rest. And if that headache gets any worse I want to take a look at you. I think you may have concussion."

_"I just want to see Clara."_

He looked up at Nina, and anger burned in his eyes as he wondered if he could trust anyone in this world where time could not keep still.

"And its _not _a bullet! I saw it, I_ saw_ what hit her..."

Nina's eyes clouded with confusion.

"Your girlfriend has definitely been shot, Doctor."

"No," he said, "Listen to me, it was not a bullet. It looked like some kind of transmitter, the technology was very advanced, you have to be careful -"

"Clara is quite safe," Nina told him calmly, and the tone of her voice began to irritate him greatly, "But we can't treat her until she is stable – she's lost a lot of blood and we have to be careful because of her other condition."

The Doctor stared at her.

"She's been _shot_! What other condition could you possibly be talking about?" he demanded, and her reply was unexpected, and all sense of anger faded out as her words left him stunned:

"_We are doing all we can to save both of them,"_ she replied, _"We have to be very careful how we treat her because your girlfriend is pregnant."_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

The Doctor sat there staring at Nina as he wondered if time had shot forwards, or frozen partly for a moment, and then he hoped it had and he hoped he had heard her wrong.

Clara could not be pregnant, she would have told him...

At least, he hoped she would have told him – why would she _not_ have told him?

"I think you might be wrong about that."

"Her blood test was positive, Doctor. She is in the early stages of pregnancy. I'm sorry if this news was unexpected."

The Doctor was still staring at her.

"_Clara is pregnant?"_

And Nina spoke again.

Her lips were moving but white noise cut through the air and drowned out the sound of her voice.

"I can't hear you!" the Doctor said, and the hissing static noise stopped.

" - and I will let you know as soon as she is stable."

Nina had finished talking.

The Doctor stood up, feeling strangely disconnected from everything around him as he looked hard at her.

"What was that sound?"

"Sound?"

"That static noise that cut off your voice!"

Nina looked at him thoughtfully.

"Doctor, I fully accept that your girlfriend's injuries were caused by an attack on your vessel. But your behaviour is somewhat bizarre. Are you certain you feel all right? You look okay but it doesn't mean you are okay, you had a blow to the head."

He reached up and felt a sharp pain as his fingertips slid through his hair and touched a minor cut to the side of his head.

"It's nothing, I'll be fine."

She stepped closer and paused for thought before speaking again.

"I fully accept you and your partner have been through a frightening ordeal but Doctor, you have described symptoms to me that I can't blame on mild concussion...time speeding up and slowing down, hallucinations... I would be more inclined to think perhaps these are they symptoms of drug use?"

He glared at her.

"_Drug use?"_ he fumed, _"What are you suggesting, that I popped an E while I was flying my Tardis through time and space?"_

And she looked intently at him, and as she did so, the Doctor's gaze darkened.

"I get it. You're saying I got high, maybe it was ecstasy...or what about cocaine? Perhaps you think I did a couple of lines and then what, shot my girlfriend in a quarrel when she told me she was up the duff because I was angry about it?"

"I don't know," she replied, "You tell me what happened, or what you _think_ happened?"

And he drew in a sharp breath and looked at her in horror.

"_I would never hurt Clara!"_

Nina kept her gaze locked with his.

"_I know that. And you need to listen because I only have a short window of time."_

The Doctor leaned in closer to her, staring at her in shock as her voice travelled towards him floating above the hiss of static as she spoke out of sync with the movement of her own lips.

"What did you -"

"_There is no time! Do not react, they can see you!"_

"Where?" he said in a hushed voice, and then he remembered just in time not to look around, because if surveillance was trained on him, it was invisible...

He kept on watching as Nina's lips moved, but no sound could be heard. Then she spoke again, her voice above the hiss of returning static:

"_Think back. Remember what you told him to do for the best when they called UNIT!"_

The Doctor looked at her with a bewildered expression.

_UNIT? _She was going back a very long time, and he had not long been in this new, Twelfth regeneration. Asking him to remember back so far to a lifetime so long ago was a tall order...

Her lips were still moving.

Nina was talking but the sound was drowned out over static that relayed the other, distant voice of Nina...the_ real _voice?

"In 1989 a teenage boy is alone in a churchyard after dark with a 12 gauge shotgun using stone angel monuments for target practise. His name is Raymond Lethbridge-Stewart, _think,_ Doctor!"

The name_ Lethbridge-Stewart_ brought back a flood of memories, all distant, but clearly there...and the Doctor could not recall the Brigadier having a son named Raymond. A daughter called Kate, yes...but a son?

"I don't understand what this has to do with here and now," he said, looking to Nina, "_What _is the relevance?"

"Timed out," she replied, and the voice over the static faded, and then the statistic hiss faded, and Nina's lips were moving without sound and suddenly her voice caught up with her lips again.

"I need to get back to my patient, Doctor. I suggest you wait here until I can give you more news."

The Doctor blinked.

"What did you just say?"

"I said," she replied, "Sit down and _wait,_ Doctor. And I still think you're behaving strangely. Like I said, maybe drugs are involved? You look a bit out of it to me. _Maybe you are_."

And he sat down.

"Good idea," he said to her, "I'll shut up. I'll just sit here and wait. Thank you."

* * *

As she walked away he stayed in his seat, slowly rubbing his hands together as he thought deeply about all he had learned.

And then, it started to make sense:

"_Who is he?"_ he murmured, _"And why statues? And why does she keep saying..."_

He fell silent, hit by an idea that he knew he could not voice aloud.

Then he got up and walked a few paces, with his head down as he reached into his pocket, drew out his sonic screwdriver and quickly ran it along a small section of the wall. He put the screwdriver away and then touched the wall. A mild electrical charge crackled and the surface of the wall rippled, and for a split second he saw what lie beneath:

_A steel wall..._

"Oh yes _very _clever..." he muttered, "Very clever indeed but _why_..."

And then he turned and looked up the corridor, and for a moment the end of it shimmered and he caught sight of people moving in slow motion, blurring into silver shapes...

Then time rushed with a jolt and once again, the strange images disappeared.

And his head was aching and a lot that had not made sense now did, and the more he thought about it, the more uneasy he became:

_All that talk of drugs... it made sense now. _

_But this had nothing to do with street drugs._

_This was more to do with hallucinogenic smart drugs that interacted with a separate highly advanced system. It was feeding him this world around him, and feeding something back from him to that system.._

_What was it taking from him?_

_Not his thoughts, because the real Nina had communicated over the hacked channel... _

The Doctor sat down again, resisting the urge to pace the floor like crazy in time with his racing thoughts as he remembered he was being watched.

_They couldn't read his mind, or they would have been on to him by now._

_What did they want?_

As it dawned on him, he wanted to ball his hand into a fist and smash it against the veneer of the fake wall. He wanted to shatter the shell around him and then rip apart the real place that was hiding behind it and the beings that had invented it...

_The Doctor tried to be a good man._

_He rarely had murderous thoughts cross his mind but they were there now, and he had to stop the flow of those thoughts fast before they picked up on it, because that was what they wanted._

_The bastards wanted his emotions. _

_They were using him in a sadistic game, studying his reactions..._

_Was this an experiment designed to find a new way to torture sentient beings?_

_He drew in a slow breath, silently vowing that soon, very soon, all who caused this would be scattered to the stars as their vessel burned up in space..._

As he thought of Clara his twin hearts ached and he blinked away tears and the irony of it was not lost on him:

He was giving them what they wanted, his suffering, and he had no choice about the matter until he found a way to break out of this situation, because he did not know where Clara was...

As he thought of her and his vision blurred with tears, he understood much but still had many unanswered questions:

_Was she really here?_

_Was she injured, and was it true that she was pregnant?_

He looked down at the floor as he stifled a sob, his feelings swirling with fear and anger:

_He got it now._

They had given him a hallucinogenic drug that drew out his hopes and dreams and then set about shattering them.

He knew it for sure, because no one knew how he had felt when held Clara in his arms, and then as she slept his hand had slid down to her belly as he had secretly longed for this human woman to carry his child...

He wanted Clara to be pregnant, he secretly longed to be the father of her child, he ached for that fulfillment. Was that part of their game, to make out that she was pregnant to add to his worry for her safety?

He hoped it was all part of their game, who ever_ they_ were.

The Doctor hoped it was all untrue, because it was terrifying to think Clara could be seriously hurt, and even more terrifying to think the life of their unborn child was also in danger.

"_Please,"_ he whispered, _"Let this all be a lie..."_

Then his vision blurred and his head ached again and he closed his eyes and drew in a slow breath, fighting off a wave of dizziness.

Whatever they had given him was potent. Maybe even fatal...

* * *

"_Doctor..."_

He jumped up from his seat, looking around the empty corridor as his twin hearts raced.

That had been Clara's voice, whispered like a distant echo.

"Clara..." he said softly, "Can you hear me?"

And then he listened.

"Doctor," she said again, "I'm here... you're safe now..." and then she gave a sob.

"I love you so very much," she said tearfully, "Please don't die!"

And then the voice was gone.

Her words echoed in his head and he drew in a sharp breath as he understood everything now:

Clara had not been shot.

Clara was back there, where ever _there_ was.

She was reaching him through a system that had hacked the transmission.

He had been right first time – _he_ was the one who had been shot, he had been shot in the head by some kind of device that leaked a drug that made him see this other time and place, while at the same time digging through his dearest hopes and dreams to create a scenario that would cause him suffering so they could study his reactions.

He was dying, and they were torturing him at a distance while the device inside his head sent back all the data...

He didn't know exactly where his body was, only that it was with with Clara and he hoped the people who were hacking the transmission also knew how to remove the device inside his head, because he didn't doubt his time was running out...

The Doctor sat down heavily once more and wiped away tears as he stifled a sob. He knew he was giving them what they wanted again, but at that moment he didn't care:

All those nights he had laid beside her, holding her in his arms as he thought about how he cherished her and how he longed to make her pregnant...

She didn't know it yet, he had kept that wish silent, and he blamed that on his reserved nature, he had kept it back, every time he looked at her and she smiled and made his hearts race and beautiful emotions washed over him, he had wished for her to carry his child. He had imagined holding her in his arms and running his hand over her swollen belly, feeling that baby move inside her, that child they had made out of their love...

_And some alien bastard race had raided his hopes and dreams and turned them into this nightmare._

_Was it personal?_

_It felt like it._

_This felt like more than random chance, this felt like he had been tracked down to be toyed with as some form of revenge._

_This had to be the work of an old enemy._

_They would be a dead enemy when he got his hands on them..._

_Then he wondered if he would live long enough to take revenge._

_He hoped his anger would be enough to keep him alive long enough to wipe them out._

The Doctor 's eyes had blurred with tears again as he thought of Clara, and wondered if he would ever be reunited with her again.

Then he let the feelings of distress swamp him as he sat and wept, knowing he was giving them what they wanted, but for now, it was all he could do...

* * *

This was definitely Earth, and definitely 2060.

But Clara's reality was outside of the world where he was trapped with a vivid hallucination. She didn't doubt that what ever was going on inside his mind seemed real, and maybe in that other reality, _maybe_ the Doctor thought she was dead – or maybe he was taking to her right now, a convincing copy of her...

_Had he understood when Nina had hacked through the transmission?_

She didn't know what the late '80s and the son of Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart had to do with any of it, but she hoped the Doctor got it, because Nina said it was relevant...

"_Are you okay?"_

Clara turned her head and saw Nina standing beside her. Nina had been such a source of strength since the Tardis had landed in the underground complex where secret Earth Defence workers scanned the airwaves of space to watch for possible threats to the planet.

It was Nina who had been the first to arrive on the scene when she had flung open the Tardis door and screamed for help, then sunk to her knees as she cradled the Doctor in her arms as blood ran from the wound to his temple.

Now Clara was at his bedside in the medical centre, and it was only thanks to their doctors and scientists that she even understood what had been done to him:

He had been shot in the head with a cybernetic device of alien origin, it had leaked a drug to shift his sense of reality while it drew information from his mind and then used it to cause emotional distress and send back the results to a ship somewhere out in deep space just past the radar.

The drug was slowly killing him.

His only chance was surgery to remove the device, but it was embedded deep in his brain and no one could promise he would survive.

For now he remained deeply unconscious, and as she sat beside him she wondered if she would ever look into his eyes again, or hear his voice or speak to him...she had tried to talk to him but no one could be sure if he could hear what was happening around him.

As Clara looked up at Nina, sorrow filled her eyes.

"I cant see past this hour, even this minute," she replied quietly, "I love him. I can't imagine losing him. I thought the Doctor would live forever."

Nina placed her hand on her shoulder.

"We're getting a team together, some of the best doctors we have. He stands a good chance of surviving. I don't know if he will make a recovery, but all we can do is hope for the best."

"I know," she replied, and she took hold of the Doctors hand and continued to watch him as he lay there deeply unconscious.

As Nina left the room, Clara spoke softly to the Doctor.

"We have to hope," she said to him, "I'm going to keep on hoping, because I love you and I didn't throw myself into time and space to save your life over and over just to lose you now. I'm also going to keep hoping because we have something worth living for, and I _know_ you can fight this."

Then she leaned over him and kissed his cheek, and the Doctor slept on, unaware of her presence.

* * *

In the artificial world, the Doctor had not heard her voice, nor had he felt her kiss. He had been sitting in the waiting area, but he felt very different now to the way he had when he had first arrived:

_In this reality, Clara had been shot instead of him._

_But he knew that had not been Clara, just a convincing copy – although he also knew that when he saw her it would still break his heart to see Clara so gravely injured, even if this was just a sadistic game that was being played out that had no basis in reality..._

He managed to contain his anger as Nina walked back up to the waiting area, because he remembered her warning, and he knew there would be time for anger later, when he was free of the tracking device that was recording his emotions and responses, that was when he would take revenge on the enemy that had raided his private hopes and dreams...

"You can see her now," Nina told him, and the Doctor rose from his seat.

"Thank you," he replied calmly, and as he followed her down the corridor, he suppressed a smile as he made his decision:

_No more of this._

_He was not going to allow them – who ever they were – to toy with his feelings or his dearest wishes._

_They wanted emotion?_

_They could have it, but not in the way they expected to get it._

_Now he understood what was really going on, he knew exactly what to do about it._

_He was about to spoil their little game..._


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The Doctor was ready, he knew _exactly_ what game of his own he was about to play:

_Nothing was real in this place, it was filled with three dimensional holograms._

_He guessed Nina had transmitted a three dimensional scan of herself into the tech base that held this holo world together, enabling her to break the transmission of the program to speak to him through her hologram..._

_He wanted to chuckle as he thought of the advanced alien species – the soon to be dead alien species who had raided his private hopes and dreams – who had been outsmarted by the endless, never failing ingenuity of the human race..._

But the Doctor did not crack a smile or allow the smallest hint of his amusement to show as he remembered that his every move was being watched.

As Nina led him into a room, he was not prepared for how he would feel when he saw her again, because this was _not_ Clara, it was a copy.

_But it still hit him hard, because she looked so real..._

"You can stay with her as long as you like," Nina told him, "She will be waking up soon. She may even show signs of recovery, at least enough to speak with you for a brief time. _But she is dying_."

_He knew this was just a program._

_And that was not Clara, just a copy._

But as he heard Nina speak those words and he looked down at her lying pale and still in bed with a dressing covering the wound to her head, pain ached in his twin hearts and his eyes stung with tears.

He wanted to say it aloud, that he knew none of this was real – but it was too realistic _not_ too affect him, certainly initially, seeing her in front of him and looking so solid... She would even _feel_ solid if he touched her.

He didn't want to see this scenario through to the end, because he knew they would make him watch her die just to toy with his emotions, and this was _too_ real and he did _not_ want to witness the woman he loved slipping away from him, even though this was not really Clara...

"Are you all right, Doctor?" Nina asked him.

The Doctor sat down on a chair next to Clara's bed and blinked to clear his vision, remembering he had a plan.

_Oh yes, he had a plan and it was a good one, and would screw up the alien bastards and their little game, because he was about to change the rules..._

"Yes, I'm fine," he replied, and he looked at her with confidence, all trace of sadness gone from his eyes.

She looked back at him in confusion.

"Doctor, I just informed you that your partner will not survive."

He flashed a smile and shrugged.

"_That's okay. She's just a human. I can always get myself another one. They don't live long anyway."_

"But you will lose your chosen mate and the child you have conceived with her."

The Doctor raised an eyebrow.

"Spoken like a true alien. _Probably the alien who is manipulating your program._"

Nina still seemed confused.

"You are not making sense, Doctor. I realise this has been a shock, but Clara has very little time."

"All the more reason for me to go back to my Tardis and leave, then."

"Doctor, you don't seem to be taking this in – she is _dying_ -"

Nina's voice was drowned out by static, her lips were still moving but another voice was coming over the transmission once more – the _real_ Nina was speaking now:

"Oh shit, what _is_ he playing at?"she exclaimed, and her voice sounded distant, then the channel cleared and she spoke again and sounded closer:

"_Doctor, this is not a game! The implant they shot into your head leaks a toxic substance and there is a fast release mechanism they can activate remotely if they want to kill you quickly – so comply with your surroundings!"_

"How about you get me _out_ of these surroundings?" he demanded as anger burned in his eyes.

And the holographic Nina carried on speaking, playing her part, as the real voice came through carried on the hacked transmission:

"_Doctor, do as you are told! _The transmitter inside your head is the equivalent of a time bomb and we do _not_ have the ability to switch it off!"

"Then get it _out _of my head!"

"I don't have much time..." Nina's voice grew distant, and then he heard another voice, one that made his hearts ache:

_It was Clara._

"Just let me try," she said, and then her voice became louder.

"Just shut up and do it!" she said said sharply, "Your_ life_ depends on it, Doctor! _Stop_ trying to score points against them, just go along with it until we can get the device out of your head!"

There was a pause and then she spoke again, and then her voice was softer, pleading as she made one final request:

"_I don't know what you think is happening, we have no way of seeing what you can see, but in reality, you are here with me and people are trying very hard to save your life! Don't blow your cover, comply with everything that seems to be around you, please! I don't want to lose you."_

The Doctor ached to be away from here, and back with Clara as he spoke in reply and hoped the transmission would not time out again before he had finished speaking.

"Clara, can you hear me?"

"_Yes!"_

He blinked away tears.

"_Please get me out of here."_

"We're trying," she replied, "You need surgery to remove the device. Its dangerous and -"

"Just let them get on with it," he said quickly, "And don't worry about me, just know that -"

The static stopped hissing and time seemed to rush and slow to a jolt as it normal pace returned.

"Do you understand everything I have explained?" Nina asked him, now the hologram was talking again, the program running as before – who ever was manipulating this hologram world had locked down the transmission once more...did they know they had been hacked?

He was still angry enough to carry on foiling his enemy by denying them the emotions they wished to extract from him, but knowing he had not had time to finish all he wanted to say made him tearful and made him grieve for all he feared he would lose:

Clara knew he loved her, he had whispered it many times as he held her when they were alone together, he said it every time she left the Tardis, every single time they parted...

_But this was different._

It reminded him of another lifetime, when he had said the words _Rose Tyler I – _and the transmission had been cut off before he could finish and say _love you._

He thought of all the times he had held back from Clara and wished he had said it more often, and louder, now was the one time he wanted to shout that he loved her, but he knew Clara could not hear him.

Now he didn't have to fake his emotions, he knew he was weeping, and the hologram program was still running because Nina's hologram was speaking again:

"I will leave you alone with your dying mate," she said, and now those words now sounded _very_ alien indeed...

* * *

Now he was alone, he took hold of the cold hand of the hologram version of Clara, who looked very real,_ too_ real and it made his hearts ache painfully as he longed to be back in the real world, even if it meant he was dying back there...

"_I'll do it," _he whispered, as he wished Clara could hear him over the transmission, _"I'll do it for you Clara, because I want to see you again. You have no idea what I'm going through here. It is so real. I'm watching you die, I'm watching you and that baby I want so much slip away from me..."_

Then he gave another sob and sat in silence at the bedside of Clara's hologram, giving in to tears that flowed for all he feared he would lose in the real world, because he didn't rate his chances of surviving the removal of the transmitter too highly...

* * *

Out in deep space, past the signal receiver that sent the information back to the ship, the Cyber Controller sat at the console and watched as the Doctor sat weeping at the bedside of the hologram of Clara Oswald.

"This experiment is proving effective," he said in a deep metallic tone, and he turned his head and looked to his assistant.

"This proves that emotions can be used as a weapon against the humans, the Timelord known as the Doctor is an excellent test subject, his regard for this species is indeed proving effective when used against him. It is fitting that this enemy of the Cyber race should be the first to be used in such a way. Speed up the program. Wake the hologram of his mate and let them speak briefly. Then kill her."

"Yes Controller," said the other Cyberman, who set to work on the controls that operated the hallucinogenic program.

The Cyber Controller was still watching the screen.

"_Emotions are such weakness,"_ he added, watching as the Doctor continued to weep, _"But he will never be granted an upgrade. The toxin releasing from the transmitter will delete him when we decide to activate the kill switch."_

* * *

The Doctor was still holding the hand of the copy of Clara.

He had wept for all he feared he would lose in the real world, and he knew those who watched him were believing that he was weeping for the death of the fake Clara.

_As if he would not have seen though the charade eventually..._

_He knew better than that, now all that was missing was the identity of the enemy._

He wiped his eyes and straightened up in his chair and let go of Clara's hand.

"I know you're not really her," he whispered, "It all makes sense now – that is why they had you shot, because they didn't have a program for Clara, just a rapid holoscan of her image. I'm expecting your personality to be _very_ basic when they wake you, nothing at all like her..."

And then he sat in silence, thinking about Clara, the real Clara, and how he wished he had said _I love you _more often to her.

The Doctor felt warm in his heart and it briefly took away the ache as he recalled a time he had phoned her when she was on her way to work.

_He was alone in the Tardis, and had smiled on hearing her voice as she walked into the entrance of Coal Hill School:_

"_What do you want?" she had asked, sounding in a hurry, "I've just arrived at the school -"_

"_I just wanted to hear your voice," he replied, "I was thinking of you. That's all I wanted to say."_

_Suddenly Clara sounded less hurried._

"_You wanted to tell me you love me?"_

"_That's right."_

"_So tell me, then!"_

_The Doctor had stood there at the Tardis console, hesitating as he held the phone and heard her speak again._

"_Come on, then – stop holding back! Tell me I'm your moon and stars!"_

_He had laughed softly._

"_Clara, the moon is an egg and I see the stars every day. But you are far more..."_

"_Beautiful?"_

_He laughed softly as his face flushed, and he knew only the Tardis knew he was blushing, but he still felt shy. _

"_Yes, that's the word I was looking for. I'd better let you get on, you have a class to teach. Speak soon..."_

He held on to the memory for a moment, and then as he took hold of the hand of Clara's hologram, he knew the real Clara could not hear him, but it helped, just for a moment, to pretend that she could:

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, "I wish I had told you how much I loved you, I wish I'd said it more often, because I do. I know my chances of surviving are not great. I know about the toxin, I know you will probably lose me. Maybe I'll regenerate, maybe not. What I fear the most is that I'll change so much that this time you won't be able to see me at all, you won't see the Doctor, you won't know me as the man you love any more. Maybe that would be worse than death, to lose you to more change."

He fell silent for a moment and then he looked around the room, waiting, expecting something to happen, but still nothing changed.

"I felt time speed up and then slow down. I think the program has been shifted to the next frame. I know their game. I'm waiting for it..." he had spoken in a low voice as his gaze shifted left and right suspiciously but still he spotted no change around him.

Then he thought of Clara once more and his hearts felt heavy as he looked down at the hologram copy:

"_I do love you so much,"_ he said softly, _"I had plans for us, now I'm terrified I won't live to see those plans happen. You will never know how deeply I long to make you the mother of my children. I want us to have a family together. I want to live out this lifetime with you and see our children grow up. It was all I wanted, why did I never tell you?"_

And then Clara's copy drew in a slow breath and she opened her eyes.

"Doctor?"

The copy was a good one, it even sounded like Clara and this did _not_ make his task any easier...

He looked into her eyes and remembered the real Clara was not here, he knew she was safe...

"Do you remember what happened?" he asked as he held on to her cold hand.

Clara blinked and he noticed her eyes were darker than the real Clara's, and seeing that difference made living through this scenario much easier to bear.

"No," she whispered.

"I predicted you might say that. Sorry about this but I need to scan you."

He took out his sonic screwdriver, hitting the button as he ran it quickly down the middle of her chest. The image of Clara briefly shimmered, and beneath it he saw the illusion of flesh vanish, replaced by a shaped, glowing power grid that covered quickly with her flesh once more.

"Yes, you're definitely a hologram," he said, and Clara just looked at him saying nothing, because the aliens who had copied her did not know her personality and therefore could not make it up, or he would have seen through the charade right away...

"Tell me something," he said as he looked into her eyes, "Who manufactured you?"

She drew in another breath and her lips parted.

"They did...we are..." her voice faltered, and then, reflected in her dark eyes, he saw them marching..tall powerful robots with heavy silver bodies...

Bodies that had once been human, over time replaced by cybernetic parts until all humanity had been stripped away - including the capacity for emotion.

He knew what he was looking at.

"_Cybermen?"_ he whispered, and she closed her eyes and gave a final breath.

He stared at her, wondering how long before this conversation would reach them. He guessed their ship was in deep space, but there had to be a receiving station somewhere close to earth to pick up on the transmitter and send the information back.

"_Satellites!"_ he said aloud, and then he gave a heavy sigh as he realised the the receiver would be up there above the earth, disguised, and the team down on earth would have to find it and scramble the signal, because he needed to buy some time until he could wake up in his own body and be able to do something about killing the transmission forever, before the Cybermen got their cold hands on the information about the effectiveness of their experiment...

"_Hurry up Nina!" _he said aloud_,_ _"I need to talk to you!"_

And the room shimmered and time rushed and came to a sharp stop with a sickening jolt.

_He wasn't in the room with Clara any more, now he was somewhere darker, and the place was still and silent..._

* * *

While the Doctor remained trapped in the hallucinogenic world, what was really happening was just as traumatic for Clara to deal with.

She was in Nina's living quarters, a basic apartment away from the working area, this part of the building was above ground and through the window she saw fields that stretched on for miles.

"This place is in the middle of nowhere," she remarked as she sat on Nina's sofa and sipped her coffee and then set it down on the table.

Nina sat beside her and looked at her kindly.

"It has to be, officially this place is dedicated to agricultural research. No one knows about what we really do – except for Torchwood. You look really lost, Clara. I think it might be better if I stay with you."

Clara nodded, feeling too broken up inside to debate the offer.

Her thoughts were with the Doctor, who was now in the medical centre across the other side of the complex, in the operating room having the device taken out of his head.

"I kissed him goodbye before he went in for the surgery," she said quietly, "And I wanted to say so much but I knew he couldn't hear me ...I'm afraid I'll never get to tell him anything ever again. I think he's going to die."

Nina gave her hand a brief squeeze.

"He won't," she promised, and she sounded very sure about that, so sure that Clara looked at her suspiciously

"Why are you saying that as if you already know?"

Nina pushed her long fair hair off her shoulder and briefly looked away.

"I'm just saying I think the Doctor is strong enough to get through this."

And she looked back at her and noticed Clara was looking at the timepiece she wore around her wrist.

"_That's not a watch."_

"No, its what the Doctor would call an early example of a time manipulator – these are the early days of time travel, we can only shift back and forth in a window of around fifty years. This privilege is only issued to Earth Defence workers and other employees who belong to secret organisations that work together to protect the earth form hostile alien invasion."

Clara was looking intently at Nina.

"_You know something."_

"No, I don't," Nina said quickly, and for a reason Clara could not understand, she saw reluctance in her eyes, almost as if she was afraid to tell her more.

Clara's eyes widened as she drew in a sharp breath.

"Is he going to die? I need to know, please tell me because I have such a terrible feeling about this operation, I think something will go wrong, because I know the odds and I know he's unlikely to come through this unharmed!"

"I can't say. I can't be certain."

"_Please tell me the truth!"_

Nina looked away for a moment as she gathered her thoughts, and then she met her gaze once more.

"All I can tell you," she said quietly, "Is that the surgery to remove the device is complicated. And he is _not_ as strong as you think he is, but you _are_ strong and you can get him through this. What ever difficulties this procedure leaves him with, how ever long they last, he can get through it because he has you and he also has a great reserve of courage inside him as well. You _have_ to stay strong, Clara. He's going to need you."

Clara looked at her pleadingly as she silently begged for more information, but Nina just shook her head.

"I wish I could tell you more, but one thing I've learned from being a time manipulation user is that time has to be handled with responsibility. This is a dangerous situation, as dangerous as what the Doctor is going through right now – _nothing_ can be tampered with, the outcome is in the balance. Please try to understand that."

Clara slowly nodded, and then she fell silent as she waited beside Nina. Outside heavy clouds had gathered and rain began to run down the window pane, but the gentle sound was lost on Clara as she thought back to the Doctor, and the moment she had kissed him goodbye before he was taken in for surgery, and once more she wondered if she would ever see him again...


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

The Doctor stood for a moment in the darkness, listening and waiting. Then time rushed forward and slowed to a stop, regular pace came back with a jolt and he realised he was alone in a morgue.

Clara's body was on the table, a sheet up to her shoulders.

He looked down at her closed eyes and her pale face and then stepped closer, remembering his promise to the real Clara that he would play along with the alien's sick little game...

_That promise was about to be broken._

Anger was building up inside him along with a mental note that if he survived this, the first thing he would do, would be to take the transmitter back to the Tardis and wipe the stored memory from the device.

_He did not want Clara to ever know what he had witnessed, what they had put him through..._

He slowly looked up from the table, eyes blazing with rage as he looked left and right about the dim room, knowing the enemy was far from here, knowing his mind was trapped in their program and they were no doubt misinterpreting his anger as grief for the loss of Clara.

_They had raided his thoughts, his private hopes and dreams. _

_No one had the right to do that, yet they were planning to do what, take it to the next level? _

_Put this drug into the atmosphere or the drinking water and put every human being on earth through a bad trip that would leave them on their knees and mentally destroyed, to make the upgrade process so much smoother? _

_There would be no one left to resist them if they used this weapon..._

The Doctor looked upwards.

"Game over," he said aloud, "I know this is all a hallucination. That's not Clara, this place is full of three dimensional holograms! Doesn't anyone have the guts to show their ugly metal faces and give me an explanation?"

Then he paused, and remembered the time delay.

"Of course, you can't hear me yet. The content is still being processed, isn't it...no matter, I can wait!"

And then he fell silent again, waiting in the holographic world, trying not to look at the corpse that looked too much like Clara, as he waited for the Cybermen to respond.

* * *

Far out in deep space, as the Cyber Controller began to watch the received playback, he saw the Doctor disturb the image of Clara's hologram with his sonic screwdriver:

"_Yes, you're definitely a hologram," he said, and Clara looked at him._

"_Tell me something," he said as he looked into her eyes, "Who manufactured you?"_

The Cyber Controller looked to his assistant.

"We will analyse the data soon. Keep working on the signal block – we need the channel clear. It seems the Doctor now understands the nature of his surroundings. He is of no further use to us. I must begin the process of the Doctor's deletion. I am activating the kill switch now."

And he pressed a button on the console.

Then the other Cyberman spoke up.

"Controller, attempts to unscramble the receiver within the satellite are proving negative – something is affecting our signal..."

"We will retrieve the data eventually," the Controller replied, "But the execute command was successful. _The Doctor will soon be deleted._"

* * *

Back on Earth, Nina had left Clara alone in her apartment promising to return when she had some news.

Clara had wanted to go with her, she had wanted to be there when she learned how the surgery had progressed, but her legs felt weak. Fear had done that, the fear that she was about to lose the man she loved.

She thought back to every cross word she had ever had with him, the time she had slapped him, times she had threatened to slap him, and she wished she had been kinder.

It was true that at times he infuriated her, but she had not known something like this was going to happen...

_If she had known, she would have been kinder._

_She never would have taken him for granted or assumed he would simply always be around._

_But what use was looking back and regretting now?_

_It changed nothing..._

_She didn't suppose she could think that life could be too short, not when it came to a man who could regenerate._

_But happiness, yes, that could be far too short lived, she was starting to understand that now..._

_And Nina knew much more than she was letting on._

_She understood why because she knew that certain moments in time could not be toyed with, because the consequences could simply be far too delicate to withstand the tinkering, and could result in an altered, disastrous outcome._

_That had to be why she was holding back from telling her everything, what other reason could there be?_

_Suddenly waiting seemed impossible now she was alone._

Clara got up, and her legs still felt shaky. She drew in a deep breath, tried not to imagine the worst even though her nerves were rattled, and then she left the apartment and took a long walk down the corridor, then crossed into another corridor, and finally stepped into a lift, where she pushed the button for the top floor, where the medical centre was located.

* * *

As the lift began to climb Clara struggled to keep her composure.

She didn't doubt that she looked calm on the surface.

Perhaps the anxiety she felt showed in her eyes, but on the surface she was pretty calm, because she was good at doing that, keeping a steady control on her emotions... But today could possibly prove to be an exception, because she was shaking, she could feel it inside even if it didn't show to others, and fear was threatening to swallow her up, too.

It was the fear of losing him that was emotionally ripping her to pieces, she was sure she had never felt so shattered before in the whole of her life...

Then the lift doors opened and she stepped out and looked at the signs on the wall, and then she walked off down the corridor towards the surgical department.

* * *

The Doctor was still trapped in the darkened room, but now the image of Clara's body had vanished.

He was aware he was trapped in darkness and did not know if the program had been shut down, or if the transmitter was being removed from his head, and he guessed that perhaps that would cause this reality to slowly fade away...

Then a thought hit him that he found alarming:

_Perhaps this was how he would spend his last moments before the poison releasing from the transmitter killed him. _

_Or perhaps he would die during the surgery._

_Maybe, any moment now, the last of the dim lighting in this holo world would go out, and it would be the end of everything._

_Maybe he would not regenerate._

_Perhaps this really was the end..._

"Clara," he whispered, "I'm not dead, not yet. I'm trying to hold on for you."

And the darkened walls blazed with light as they split apart.

The Doctor looked into the light and faced it without fear, ready to embrace what might lie beyond death.

Then as the holographic world shimmered and then broke apart violently, he was flung into darkness where he was falling and falling and as he fell he closed his eyes, knowing this was _not_ death – this was his mind returning to the living world, and perhaps his mind would not be quite the same when he awoke.

_Perhaps nothing would ever be the same again._

_Perhaps he would remember nothing._

He remembered his name was the Doctor, and that he loved a girl called Clara, and then he recalled the satellite had to be shut down because it was sending a signal that had to stop. Then blackness covered him, silence filled his mind and the Doctor knew nothing more.

* * *

It had been a long walk to the lift and a short ride up to the medical facility, and then an even shorter walk to the surgical department, but as Clara opened the door and entered the corridor, the final steps to her destination felt like the hardest of her life.

Then she stopped walking, her sense of dread growing as she watched Nina having a conversation with a surgeon at the far end of the corridor. Nina's expression was grave as she listened, and Clara blinked away tears as she came to understand there could be no good news, because it was clear that even if he had survived, _something_ had gone wrong...

Then a hand touched her shoulder and she gave a gasp and turned sharply.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you!"

Clara stared up at the tall stranger whose height and build reminded her of the Doctor. Even his face reminded her of the Doctor – or possibly the Doctor's brother – if the Doctor had a brother, which he didn't...

She looked at him in confusion as she wondered if her anxiety was making her see the Doctor in every man she was about to meet because he was so heavy on her mind...

"Do I know you?"

"No," he replied, and Clara's frown deepened as she briefly tilted her head slightly, looking at him from a different angle.

She silently decided she was definitely _not_ thinking right today... the man looked to be in his late forties, if he was older, he looked good for it. The shade of his brown hair that fell past his collar matched her own, and his eyes were as blue as the Doctor's...

"_Stop it!"_ she said, and then she realised she had spoken aloud, and she quickly brushed aside her own mistake.

"Not you...me. I'm just a bit...I'm worried, I'm not myself today..."

"I know, Nina told me," he replied, and then she noticed he was wearing a time manipulation device on his wrist, she caught a glimpse of it beneath the cuff of the jacket of his smart, dark blue suit. He wore a silk tie with a tie pin that bore the insignia of Earth Defense, space security division...

"You're a colleague of Nina's?"

He smiled, and she knew she was doing it again – seeing a resemblance to the Doctor in a complete stranger...

"More than that," he said, "I'm her husband." And then his smile faded and as he looked at her intently, she thought so strongly of the Doctor that she ached to be with him and she wanted to weep.

"I just wanted to say I'm sure your partner will be fine, even if not right away, eventually he will be... I've heard of the Doctor, and from what I've heard, he's pretty hard to kill. Nina tells me you're a remarkable person. I believe her. I think you can get him through this."

Clara was staring at him, wondering why a total stranger was talking to her as if he knew her...

"Thank you," she replied as confusion clouded her eyes.

"He might be hard to handle at first," he added, "But healing takes time, Clara. And you _are _kind enough to understand that."

Now she definitely felt that something was out of place, like there was something _else_ he ought to have explained before he told her all of this...

He paused to check the count down on his time manipulator.

"I have to get back to work soon. I just wanted to stop by quickly... _Listen Clara, this may not make much sense now, but if things get difficult, if he is hard to handle, don't be too harsh. Just look at the scar on his temple - and it will always be there - and remember he's been hurt and he's still healing. Always be kind, don't blame him, he's been through a lot_."

She stared at him.

"How do _you_ know all this...I don't understand – "

She gave a gasp as he grabbed her and hugged her, and then as he let go, there was an expression in his eyes that she could not read as so many emotions reflected at once.

"I'd better go now," he said, "Don't tell Nina I was here – I'm supposed to be working... I'm big in security and this could land me in trouble! See you soon."

"Soon?"

He briefly smiled, glancing at her as his gaze shifted from the setting the time manipulator, and in that split second, she swore she saw so much of the Doctor in him that it made her heart ache for the man she loved.

"Yes, very soon," he promised, "You can be sure of that!"

Then he turned the dial on the watch, and vanished sharply in a blurring flicker of light.

Clara blinked, looking at the empty spot where the stranger had stood.

"_What was all that about?"_ she said under her breath, and then she heard Nina call her name from further up the corridor, and she turned back in time to see the surgeon walk away as Nina began to make her way back down the corridor to meet her.

"_Please be okay, Doctor," _she whispered, and then she quickened her pace as she hurried to join Nina, and as she walked she desperately hoped the news would be good, even though by the grave expression on Nina's face, it seemed everything _being okay_ would be highly unlikely...

* * *

As Clara joined her, she looked anxiously at Nina.

"How is he?" she asked.

"They took the transmitter out successfully," she said, and on hearing those words, Clara found it suddenly easier to breathe.

But then as Nina hesitated and she saw the look in her eyes she knew there was more, and she also knew this would be the bad news she did _not_ want to hear...

"And what else? What is it, did something go wrong?"

"I'm sorry but yes it did," she said, and Clara's legs turned to jelly as she gave a gasp and then drew in a deep breath, panic had made her head swim but she was determined to keep herself together for the Doctor's sake.

"How bad is it?" she said in a hushed voice.

"The transmitter was buried deep in the brain," she said to her, "It was a very complicated procedure to remove it, and towards the end of the procedure the release was activated remotely by the enemy. Some of the toxin leaked into the wound, into injured brain tissue."

Tears filled her eyes.

"_He's got brain damage?"_

"No, not damage. It's caused an _injury,_ and injuries heal. But it could take a while."

"How long?"

"Five years or more."

"_Five years?"_ Clara's voice broke up as she stifled a sob, and then she drew in a slow breath as she tried to pull back her emotions, because falling apart now was the very worst thing she could do when the Doctor needed her help...

"Clara, I need you to listen," Nina said carefully, "I'm not sure what you're imagining right now but it is probably _much_ worse than the actual outcome really is. The Doctor survived the procedure but he needed further treatment to removed the toxin, and this caused further injury that will take time to heal. But he will be able to walk and talk. This hasn't caused him any sort of physical disability."

She breathed a relieved sigh, feeling thankful that his injury had not affected him in the way she had imagined. But anxiety still filled her eyes as she looked intently at Nina and asked a question:

"So how exactly will the injury affect him?"

Nina paused as she gathered her thoughts.

"The injury he suffered has affected a part of the brain that controls emotion and processing information and basically there is no easy way to say this, but this _will_ affect his personality. The man you knew as the Doctor could take a long while to come back – I'm sorry, it won't be easy and he's going to need someone to keep an eye on him for a long time until he recovers. This could prove to be a lot to cope with."

Clara shook her head.

"No, you're wrong, I _can_ cope, he used to literally be another person, and then he regenerated, and I coped with that! I'm sure I can cope with his personality being a _little_ bit different for a while – even if that _while_ is a few years. I love him, I _want_ to look after him!"

"Of course you do," Nina agreed, "But you don't understand the nature of how this has affected him."

"So tell me what the problem is."

"He woke up quickly while he was in recovery," Nina said to her, "And physically he's fine, he's stable, no need for life support or any kind of physical monitoring regarding his vital signs. He's strong and healthy and he's been lucky in that respect. But when he woke up it was clear that the injury has affected his personality."

Clara gave a sigh.

"You can't be sure of that. He's just come out of surgery, maybe he was confused -"

"No Clara," she said, "It's_ not _like that. We know the exact location of the injury, they scanned that area of the brain and saw the injury and knew before he woke up that the location of the wound would affect his personality. When he came to after the surgery, he had to be sedated. He's being kept under sedation for the next twenty-four hours to be sure the wound has healed sufficiently for movement to be safe. They used micro lasers and initial external healing is rapid, but the internal injuries to the brain will take several years to heal."

Clara looked at her in confusion.

"It doesn't sound too bad to me! Maybe he woke up too quickly and panicked, maybe you've got all this wrong."

Nina looked at her intently.

"No Clara," she said, "There is _no_ mistake here – the Doctor became physically violent and verbally abusive and difficult to control. That's why we had to sedate him. _His recovery is going to be difficult. He's going to be volatile, difficult to live with – are you certain you can handle this? _I'm asking because you need to realise_ exactly _what you will be taking on."

Clara's eyes had misted with tears again but she held back from weeping as she nodded.

"Yes I understand," she replied, "Of _course_ I understand! I can handle this, I can look after him."

And her statement had been made as determination blazed in her eyes, but she kept her fears silent:

_Could the Doctor really have changed so much?_

She could not imagine the polite and reserved gentleman she knew as the Doctor to have altered so drastically, but she had already made up her mind what she would do about it:

_She loved him, and she would look after him._

_There could be no other choice to be made, because she loved him..._


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It had been several hours since Nina had broken the news to Clara.

At first, she had felt shock and a sense of disbelief as she struggled to imagine such a change in the Doctor's personality, especially after she went to the room where he was recovering and sat beside him, watching him as he slept peacefully...

Clara had stayed beside him for more than two hours, she had watched him breathing deeply and easily and tears had pricked at her eyes as she had looked at his face and seen deep bruising that had spread from his temple to beneath his right eye – they had used high tech equipment to remove the transmitter, and seeing the bruises the pressure had caused on the surface only brought home to her the fact that he had suffered damage internally too.

Then she had leaned over him and gently kissed his brow and paused to press her face gently against his hair as she inhaled the scent of it – she had been fully prepared to have walked into this room and seen him with his hair shaved and a huge scar across his head – that was what she had imagined when she had been told he needed brain surgery - it had broken her heart to think of him looking so damaged, but she knew now that was not the case, and she was relieved that he still looked like the man she knew and loved:

This was 2060, even major surgery could be carried out with minimal incisions, and the Doctor had lost none of his hair. There was a dressing taped over his temple and she was yet to see the scar, but it would not be anywhere near as large as she had first imagined. Seeing such a small dressing over an equally tiny wound, it seemed impossible to believe he could be so seriously hurt...

But she knew that he was injured, because they had gone deep into his brain to remove the transmitter and the complications had happened, even if all she could see was a small dressing on his temple and heavy bruising, deep inside, he was still wounded and would take a long time to heal, and she would not know exactly how that injury had affected him until he came out of sedation.

_He still looked like the Doctor._

_It was still hard to believe his personality would be so altered now._

* * *

Eventually, confident that he was doing as well as the medical team had promised, Clara had left him to rest and then with Nina's help, had persuaded the security team to hand over the transmitter, because the best place for it to be analysed was on board the Tardis. Then after thanking Nina for her help, she had invited her on board to watch the analysis of the transmitting device...

As they stood at the Tardis console and Clara looked upwards, addressing the ship, Nina watched with interest.

"I need some help with this," Clara said aloud, holding up the transmitter as it glowed in its clear casing, "I need to store it safely and read it, if possible. Where do I put it?"

There was a brief silence, above it the Tardis hummed softly, and then a small unit beneath a monitor opened up on the control panel.

"Thanks," Clara said to the Tardis, and she slid the transmitter into it, the unit drew it down into the console, and then the screen flickered to life and she read the message:

_Transmission signal frozen. Save?_

"Yes!" she said at once, and touched the _yes_ option, "We have to save that," she told Nina, "Or the Doctor won't be able to trace the source... what's this?"

Another message had come up:

_Memory storage detected. Play all?_

She looked to Nina.

"I need to see what he saw," she said, and she touched the _play_ option...

The two women stood side by side as they watched the Doctor's ordeal in the holographic world unfold:

Clara was shocked to see how he had been placed in a nightmare where she had been shot, and then forced to sit back helplessly as she lay dying.

"I'm so glad you broke through the signal to tell him what was really going on!" she said to Nina.

And then the Doctor began to speak, and what he said was unexpected, and as she listened, Clara blinked away tears.

On the screen the Doctor was looking down at her hologram copy, clearly he knew by then that this world was not real, but as he spoke, he was opening his heart to the real Clara:

"_I do love you so much,"_ _he said softly_, _"I had plans for us, now I'm terrified I won't live to see those plans happen. You will never know how deeply I long to make you the mother of my children. I want us to have a family together. I want to live out this lifetime with you and see our children grow up. It was all I wanted, why did I never tell you?"_

As the recording ended, Clara touched the screen to turn it off, and the monitor fell dark.

"I never knew he felt that way," she said in a hushed voice.

Clara turned her head and as she looked at Nina, she blinked and a tear ran down her face.

"That was him, that was the Doctor as he was before the injury. That was him as I remember him, but I never knew he wanted us to have a family...Do you think he will still want to have a baby with me?"

"I think that is likely to be something he won't forget," Nina replied softly, "And I feel so moved to have witnessed all that he said."

As she blinked again and her vision cleared, she noticed Nina's eyes had misted up too.

"Why would you be so moved by what he said?" Clara wondered.

Nina shrugged

"I suppose I'm just a romantic who believes in love conquering all."

Clara smiled. Those words the Doctor had spoken had stayed with her, and she felt warm in her heart to know in his darkest hour, he had made such a startling confession.

"I'll talk to him when he's feeling better," she said, "He wants a baby - he can have his wish. I would dearly love to carry his child. I have thought about it before but we had never discussed it, never found the right time, I suppose. But I want to have a family with him, I want it more than ever now."

And then Clara looked curiously at Nina as a sudden thought struck her.

"You haven't said anything about the Tardis..everyone who comes in here for the first time always notices its bigger on the inside, they are always stunned by it – but not you. Why?"

"I work for earth security," she reminded her, "I know of the Doctor and the Tardis. So there are no surprises for me." And then she smiled and the look in her eyes softened, "But what he said on that recording, _that_ surprised me."

Sadness shaded Clara's eyes.

"This recording...it could be the only reminder I ever have of how he used to be... I want to be with him when he wakes up, but I'm dreading it. I don't know what to expect."

Nina looked at her with sympathy.

"You need to remember he will recover, but it is going to take a long time. Maybe you should stay around for a while – live here for a few months, see how you cope."

"I'm pretty sure I can cope with the Doctor! I've seen him regenerate, he was in a state of confusion then."

"But he's not exactly confused," Nina reminded her, "There is much more to it - his personality has changed."

"_And I'll learn to live with that."_

Clara had spoken defensively, and Nina chose her words carefully as she replied.

"I'm not saying you can't cope. I'm just saying it could be difficult, caring for someone who has been affected the way the Doctor has. And I'd like you to know I'm here to support you if you need help."

The look in Clara's eyes softened.

"Thanks, but I'm determined to do this on my own. I need to know I can handle him no matter how difficult he gets."

Then she remembered something he had once said and her eyes clouded with sadness once more.

"I remember, not too long ago... I was joking, I said I was his carer, and he said I cared so he didn't have to. I never knew one day those words would have such significance."

She felt an ache in her heart and drew in a slow breath, letting it out again as she regained control and kept her tears at bay.

"I'm sure I can cope. I have to, I'm all he's got."

Nina looked into her eyes.

"But remember you have a friend here if you need one."

"I know that," she said warmly, "Thank you."

And Nina gave her a brief hug and then let go again.

Then Clara checked her watch.

"Right," she said, suddenly sounding very much in control once more, "He's going to be asleep for quite a while. I'm going to catch up on my sleep now, so I can be at my best when he wakes."

"I'll see you later," Nina replied, "And remember what I said, Clara – I'm here if you need a friend. I always will be."

* * *

After Nina left the Tardis, Clara walked out of the console room and down the corridor towards the bedroom she shared with the Doctor.

She knew she would find that bed cold without him beside her, but sleep would be for the best, because she couldn't afford to be exhausted when he finally awoke from sedation – and she also knew that sleep would be difficult to achieve, because until he woke up and she saw the change in him for herself, she had no idea what she had committed to taking on, and that worried her greatly...

After a few hours of sleep frequently broken by waking sharply and sliding back to sleep once more, Clara eventually woke up and got out of bed still feeling exhausted, she showered and changed her clothes, put on fresh make up, checked her appearance in the mirror anxiously, then checked it again, and then she turned away from her reflection deciding she was being ridiculous:

_What was she imagining, that that Doctor would no longer recognise her?_

_Nina had said his personality had been affected, not his memory..._

Then as she returned to the console room she glanced over at the place where the transmitter was stored, and remembered all the Doctor had said in the recording, and a sudden wave of sadness came over her that made little sense:

_The Doctor's personality had been affected – dramatically, by all Nina had told her._

_He would no longer be as she remembered him, and as crazy as it seemed, she felt a sense of grief, like she ought to be mourning for the loss of the man he used to be._

_How could that make sense, when the Doctor was alive and making a good recovery?_

_She had not lost him, so why did she feel as if she had?_

As she left the Tardis and began to make her way across the complex to the medical centre, her heart felt heavy.

It seemed like such a short time ago the young man in the bow tie had gone away, and she had mourned his departure. Then she had seen the Doctor regenerate – older, very different in every way to his former self, but she had still seen him, she had seen the Doctor in him and grown to love him even more deeply than before.

_She was afraid of more changes._

He still looked like the man she had come to know as the Doctor, yet the damage caused by the removal of the transmitter had also damaged his personality, forcing more change on to a man already settling into his new persona. She guessed it would be harder on the Doctor than it ever could be on her, and perhaps she had no right to grieve for all that had gone, because he was still alive, still looked the same, he had not regenerated again – it was just something inside, an injury that would alter his personality, and that was something she would have to get used to, no matter how difficult that proved to be.

_It wasn't his fault._

She knew she had to keep on remembering that, because it helped her to stay strong as she wondered what to expect when he woke from sedation.

As she neared the door to his room, tension filled her body and she took in a slow and steady breath, reminding herself that no matter how it had affected him, he was still the Doctor, his life was no longer in danger and eventually, he would recover.

_That was all that really mattered..._

* * *

_C_lara went quietly into his room.

The Doctor was still sleeping, and she went over to his bed and pulled up a chair and sat down beside him.

He gave a sigh in his sleep, turned his head and as his bruised temple touched the pillow pain registered on his face and he turned his head again, and as he moved she saw the dressing was already off the wound, and he would have a deep scar that ran down his temple when he was healed. For now the skin was still mending, and it was painfully bruised in shades of purple and brown.

She thought about softly speaking to him, then waking him with a kiss, but that bruising still looked painful and it seemed selfish to wake him before he was ready.

Clara gently took hold of his hand, and he gripped it briefly and then gave another sigh, stirring like a restless dreamer.

"Are you awake?" she whispered, but he murmured something she didn't catch and slid back into his deep sleep once more.

She said no more, just sat there watching him as he rested.

_He still looked like the Doctor._

_It seemed impossible his personality could have changed so much..._

As she sat beside him she thought back to the messages that Nina had sent over the hacked transmission when the Doctor's mind had been trapped, and then she recalled all she had said about the son of the Brigadier taking shots at stone angels in a graveyard...

What did any of _that _have to do with here and now?

She had asked Nina about it at the time, but as usual the woman had been evasive, explaining it away as _classified information linked to national security._.. She decided she would ask the Doctor about it later, when he was awake and feeling much better.

Then she worried as she wondered if his memory had been affected.

_What if he no longer knew her?_

_She could not bear to imagine that possibility..._

Then a nurse came into the room.

She watched as the nurse inspected the Doctor's healing wound, and then she turned to Clara and spoke quietly, taking care not to wake her patient:

"He should be waking up soon. Has it been explained to you, about the change in his personality?"

Clara nodded.

"Yes," she replied, and her answer seemed absurd, because no explanation could prepare her for something she was yet to experience that she could barely bring herself to imagine...

The nurse indicated to a button on the wall.

"If he becomes difficult, just press this," she told her, "We can't predict how he will be feeling when he wakes. He may need restraining."

Clara's eyes grew wider.

"_Restraining?_ I'm sure he won't be that bad!"

"Just remember where the button is should you need it," she said, and then the nurse left the room.

* * *

Now she was alone with him once more, Clara kept a gentle grip on the Doctor's hand as she began to speak softly to him:

"You and me need talk when you're feeling better," she said to him, "We need to talk about the future..." then she paused, deciding not to let him know she had viewed the recording, "This has been a scary time for both of us, and I love you so very much, Doctor. I think, when you're feeling better, we should talk about the future...about you and me and starting a family, I think we should do that."

Then she gently stroked the back of his hand as he slept on.

"People keep talking to me like you've come out of this with such terrible complications – I don't think its anything we can't handle together. You're still the Doctor, you're still the man I fell in love with!"

The Doctor stirred again, he drew in a breath and let it out slowly, turned his head and winced as the bruising touched the pillow, and turned away once more, exposing the healing scar.

"Doctor?" she said softly, "Are you awake?"

He stirred again and gave another sigh.

She ran her hand over his hair.

"You've had a very long sleep," she said gently, and then she briefly placed her hand against his cheek as she looked at the bruising that had spread down below his right eye.

"You poor thing, you look like you've been in a fight," she said, "I know you're going to be very sore when you wake up, but you're healing quickly. It won't be long before we can go back to the Tardis and leave this place and put all this behind us."

Then as he stirred again she drew back from him, sitting patiently at his bedside as she waited for him to wake.

Then he breathed deeply and his eyelids flickered open.

"Doctor?" Clara leaned closer.

He slowly looked up at her, meeting her gaze.

She smiled.

"Welcome back," she said, taking hold of his hand.

And then her smile faded as her expression changed to one of alarm:

The Doctor was crushing her hand in a bruising grip as his eyes grew wide and he stared at her, it was a look of pain and confusion and alarm all mixed in with a dash of sharp anger and as his stare intensified, she knew at once Nina had been right:

_It was like looking into the eyes of a stranger, a very volatile stranger..._


	6. Chapter 6

**Author Note – bit of a warning for language, to run through the next few chapters - the Doctor's temporary change of personality has a very short, very bad temper - and verbally some *vague* shades of Malcolm Tucker!**

* * *

Chapter 6

He was still squeezing her hand.

"_Let go!"_ Clara said sharply, and as he released his grip she drew her hand away from him and then stepped back, rubbing at her painful fingers.

"Don't you ever hurt me again!" she said to him, her tone softening as she saw the look in his eyes, and then as the light caught on his livid scar she knew she needed no more reminder of what he had been through.

"Doctor," she said, "Try and stay calm. You've been through a lot, do you remember what happened?"

He stared at her as rapid images flashed through his damaged mind.

"Of course I do," he said and he sat up, and sitting up as quickly as he did made pain register on his face and for a moment he cautiously put his hand over the pain that throbbed at his wounded temple, and then he closed his eyes, drew in a breath, and as the pain ebbed away he let go of the scar and snapped his eyes open again, looking hard at Clara.

"_Of course I remember! Security breach to the Tardis shield system... shots fired, I got hit, alien LSD and their smart technology gave me a very nasty trip while the silver bastards ran their nightmare experiment from the safety of the mother ship out in deep space! Cybermen, Clara, soulless silver Cyber bastards obsessed with upgrading the human race!"_

She was staring at him.

The Doctor sounded very different to the polite, reserved man who would not have taken kindly to use of bad language by anyone...

"Calm down," she said in a hushed voice.

He stared back at her.

"No Clara, you don't get it... I was the _test_ subject. That holo world was so real I could even use my holo sonic screw driver there! They put me through hell! And you know what? The earth is next, as soon as they get their signal back and pull in all the data from the receiving station!"

He was looking at her like he expected her to understand what he was about to say next, and she did not.

"And?" she said quietly.

Her question only served to frustrate him even more.

"_And I'm hoping your talents go beyond what you can do to me with your legs wrapped around my waist, because your planet is in trouble! Go and tell the security force people about the satellite!"_

Her eyes were wide as she looked at him, still in shock from all he had just said... She had never heard the Doctor speak about their sex life, crudely or otherwise...

"_Go!"_ he said sharply.

She was still staring at him.

"Satellite?"

He gave a sigh and muttered something under his breath that she didn't catch, then he ran his hand over his hair and winced as he accidentally pulled on his healing scar.

"The Cyber ship is out in deep space, they are using a_ fake_ satellite to receive data from the transmitter, it gets sent on to the mother ship! Do you get it now? Security needs to scan the satellites, find the fake one. _Just tell them to lock on to it, I don't care if they use nukes or a bundle of rockets left over from last years bonfire night, that satellite has to be destroyed!_"

"I've got the transmitter stored in the Tardis," she said to him, "I saved the location settings, you'll be able to lock on to the mother ship as soon as you're well enough – _what_ are you doing?"

The Doctor folded the covers back.

"Clothes. I want them back!" he demanded, snapping his fingers at her rudely.

She opened up a storage unit at the back of the room, grabbed his suit and shoes and quickly put them on the bed.

"You get dressed, I'll go and tell them about the satellite."

Then she turned for the door.

"Clara..."

She looked back.

He regarded her darkly.

"_If you run out of here and call the staff in to sedate me, I will fly away in my blue box and leave you here to rot!"_

"Ouch," she said as tension crept into her voice, "That was a bit much, Doctor! I'll go and tell them what to do about the satellite, okay?"

And then she walked away, and the Doctor made a grab for his shirt but paused, clutching at his aching head as he drew in a sharp breath and felt a swirl of anger and frustration deep inside, as he wondered why his thoughts felt something like a vast library, where books that had once been in perfect order had now been scattered about in chaos and left with pages missing...

* * *

After Clara had explained to security control and the search to pinpoint the exact location of the rogue satellite had begun, Nina hurried off with her back down the corridor, heading towards the medical centre.

"You shouldn't have let him get out of bed, he needs to rest."

"I don't think we can stop him,"Clara replied, "He's so aggressive and angry all the time!"

"And that is why I suggested you both stay here for a while. Clara, its clear to me that he's suffered a great change in his personality because of the surgery. You shouldn't cope with this alone. He could be unpredictable."

Clara stopped walking and turned sharply to Nina.

"So what exactly are you suggesting?"

Nina drew in a slow breath as she met her gaze, knowing Clara was not going to like her suggestion at all.

"Maybe you should think about having him admitted to a secure hospital where he can be properly assessed, where he can get some effective medication to dampen down his moods."

"If he gets locked up he will _never _get better!" she said, feeling hurt at remarks that almost felt as deep as betrayal, "You don't know him like I do, Nina! He's _not_ dangerous -"

"He could be dangerous to himself."

Anger flickered in Clara's eyes.

"While you're taking time out to complain about his temporary..._disabilities_, he is busy, despite his pain and confusion, trying to do all he can to stop the Cybermen invading this planet! You should be grateful to him!"

"I am," Nina replied quietly, "But he's ill, Clara -"

"He's going to be just fine," she insisted, "I _can_ look after him."

Clara had spoken with determination, and Nina did not need to be told this was her final word on the subject.

"Fine," she replied, "Let's go and find him and see if he is okay, shall we?"

"I _know _he's okay," Clara replied defensively as they began to walk up the corridor once more, "If he's not in his room, he's back at the Tardis, analysing the transmitter."

"You sound sure about that."

"I am," Clara told her, quickening her pace and walking on ahead of Nina.

* * *

As predicted, the Doctors room was empty and his clothes were gone.

Clara led the way from the medical centre, then down the corridor to the Tardis, and on walking inside, she breathed a relieved sigh to see the Doctor at the console, working on the data from the transmitter.

As she and Nina walked over to join him he looked up from the controls, and in the glow of the Tardis lighting the scar on his temple looked livid.

Clara suddenly found herself recalling the word Nina's husband had spoken, to remember what he had been through, to be kind – it made sense that she remembered to do that, because the Doctor was so argumentative and aggressive it was only too easy to forget all he had been thorough, and Clara knew she was guilty of losing her own temper far too often – she had even slapped the Doctor before now, and she didn't want to do it again, not after all he had been through, no matter how much his remarks and outbursts angered her...

"I've found a solution to your problem," he said to Nina, and then he beckoned to Clara.

"Come here."

She went over to the console to join him, and he hit a button and the viewing screen revealed a view far off out in deep space where the Cyber ship stood out stark and gleaming against blackness.

"Found it!" he said, and then he looked down at the smaller monitor as data began to scroll.

"I just let them grab the signal," he said, "and I've extracted their self destruct auto command, and I'm feeding it back into their system as a direct order."

And he watched and waited as the data continued to scroll.

"But Doctor, you said you hate killing."

"I do hate killing," he replied, "I bloody detest it, but not as much as I detest these bastards!"

The data stopped scrolling.

He looked towards the screen, eyes reflecting bitterness as his head throbbed in pain and he recalled all they had stolen from him.

"_You wanted data,"_ he murmured, _"Process this!"_

And he hit a button.

The ship exploded in a ball of white fire, a blinding light against the darkness of deep space.

Then as the white light cooled to yellow flame as the ship began to break up and the pieces were scattered far and wide, he turned from the screen and looked to Clara and Nina.

"Problem solved," he said, "But do make sure your people destroy that satellite, Nina. I'd hate for another fleet vessel to pick up on the remnants of the data because earth defence forces either get lazy or don't know their elbows from their arses. Make _sure _that satellite is blown up, okay?"

She nodded.

"I'll make sure they deal with it," she replied, "And you don't need to doubt their competence, Doctor. I have faith in my people."

"You've obviously never heard of _human_ error," he muttered, "Something _your_ people are rather good at!" And then he turned back to the console and continued to break down the data removed from the transmitter.

"Do you need any help -"

The Doctor snapped his fingers and the Tardis doors flew open.

"_Bye."_

"That's me told, then," Nina replied, and she left the Tardis quickly, and the doors closed behind her.

* * *

Now Nina was gone, Clara turned sharply to the Doctor, who was still busy working on the console.

"You didn't have to be so rude to her!"

"I don't see why not. Her and her staff couldn't even figure out how to permanently stop the signal without my help."

And he looked up from the controls, and pain registered on his face as he briefly placed his fingertips over his healing scar as pain throbbed.

"And you should stop criticising me, Clara. Try saying _thank you_ once in a while, I saved your little planet yet again – and this time I didn't even leave the decision making to you or others – if I had, you'd still be bitching over what to do, like the _moon _all over again."

Anger flashed in her eyes.

"You had to bring that up!"

"I don't see why not, you want everything your way and when you get it you complain about it. Humans..._so_ bloody hard to please, I don't know why I bother!"

"And I don't know why I bother with _you_ sometimes!"

She walked away from the console, and he followed her.

As she turned from the wall she saw he was right in front of her, glaring at her angrily.

"You don't know why you bother with me? Well maybe I should take you home so you can go and find your PE teacher and sit on his lap or whatever _else_ of his you'd like to sit on!"

Her eyes widened.

"I can't believe you're talking to me like this!"

"Well I _am_ right," he snapped, _"You still want him – probably more than ever now your old Timelord boyfriend's got damaged... go back to Mr Pink and his youthful healthy body and sound mind, go and keep him warm at night, you know you don't want to be with me!"_

"Yes I do want to be with you!" she exclaimed as hurt registered in her eyes, "Doctor, you're not well, you're not thinking straight. You ought to _know _how much I love you!"

He was still glaring at her as he leaned in closer, his face a fraction from hers, and suddenly as her back hit the wall, Clara felt cornered.

"You don't want to be with me, Clara. You don't even _know_ me any more!"

"Don't do that!" she said, "Don't you _ever_ lean in close to my face like that again – it's threatening, get back!"

Anger still blazed in his eyes.

"_Who said you could be the boss? Not me! If you don't like it, I'll take you back to your own time and you can fuck off and be someone else's control freak!"_

Clara lashed out, slapping his face hard and sending him staggering backwards.

She gave a gasp, realising too late that he was still weak, still recovering – but as he fell against the console he put out his hand, catching the edge of it just in time.

He pulled himself upright and drew in a sharp breath as he looked at Clara, his cheek was red from the stinging blow and as she saw hurt and confusion in his eyes, she recalled this had not been the first time she had ever struck him – and this time she regretted it more than ever – the Doctor was ill, he had no understanding of the impact of his own behaviour...

"Sorry!" she said in a hushed voice as the Doctor stood there looking dazed.

"That was a bit too hard..." he said, and he leaned against the console as he brought the back of his hand up to his nose, then as he took it away again there was a bright crimson stain and Clara stepped forward, her eyes wide with shock as she realised she had drawn blood.

"Doctor, I'm so sorry!"

He recalled a threat she had once made and looked at her accusingly.

"Nice try, Clara. Do it a bit harder next time and you never know, I _might_ just manage to regenerate!"

Then he coughed and leaned against the console harder as the blood flow increased, running down his face and dripping on to his shirt.

She saw a flash of panic in his eyes.

"Oh that's just great!" he complained, "Now I'm bleeding to sodding death, what have you _done_ to me?"

Then he briefly closed his eyes as a wave of dizziness swept over him.

"Do something!" he said, and now he sounded shaken up.

Clara put her arm around him and led him towards the Tardis door as the nosebleed refused to stop and left a trail of blood dripping as they went back into the corridor.

"I need to get you to the medical centre," she said, "We need to stop that bleeding."

And the Doctor shot her a frosty look but said no more as he kept his hand over his nose, trying in vain to stem the flow of blood.

Clara led him up the corridor, all the while she was shaking as she wondered how she could have allowed herself to become so angry and forget how fragile he really was at this time...

* * *

As the Doctor was taken into the treatment room, he glanced back at Clara and she saw coldness in his eyes that only made her guilt weigh heavier. Then as Nina crossed a corridor and saw her sitting outside the emergency room, she hurried over to her and took a seat beside her.

"What's happened?"

Clara froze for a moment as she remembered how Nina had suggested having the Doctor locked away...

"I'm not sure," she replied, "He was working on the console and he suddenly got this nosebleed that wouldn't stop. It was a bit scary...so much blood."

"You're shaking," Nina replied.

"It scared me," Clara said, and then she looked at her and Nina saw fear reflecting in her eyes.

"Could this be serious? I mean he's never had this problem before."

"I don't know," Nina replied, "I hope it's nothing, but bleeding after the kind of surgery he's been through could mean anything – he might have an internal bleed - that could mean more surgery to fix the problem."

In her mind the moment replayed as she lashed out hitting him hard, and Clara drew in a sharp breath as she fought to hold back her tears.

_"He has to be okay, I just want him to walk out of there and be okay!"_

Nina looked at her thoughtfully.

"Clara, is there anything you're not telling me?"

As she looked at Nina, just for a second, guilt flashed in her eyes.

"No" she said, "Why would you say that?"

"I was just thinking how difficult he is to handle – are you sure you don't need any help? Why don't I call the psychiatric facility and -"

"What, for _me_?" she said, and blinked away tears as she laughed nervously, "Seriously, Nina – leave it alone. I _can_ look after him."

And then as she saw a look of sadness in Clara's eyes, Nina's suspicions grew.

"He is volatile, bad tempered, verbally abusive, _very_ hyped up – I wouldn't blame you if you'd tried to restrain him or -"

"_I didn't!" _Clara caught her breath, realising she had been a little_ too_ emphatic about that point.

"I didn't," she said again, now sounding much calmer, "He just started bleeding. I didn't even see how it happened."

And her gaze switched to the door of the treatment room as she silently prayed for good news.

* * *

After a short wait, the door opened and Clara rose from her seat.

The Doctor left the room and crossed the corridor, and as she looked into his eyes she wanted to cry, because his expression was impossible to read and she saw no hint of either anger or forgiveness in his blue eyes.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"As okay as I can be after my nose pissing blood all over a clean shirt!" he snapped, indicating to the crimson stain that covered the front of his white shirt, "The doctor said it was caused by the combination of meds I was on after the surgery – they gave me an injection to stop the bleeding."

And then he began to walk away, back down the corridor that would eventually lead to the Tardis, and as Clara hurried to catch up with him Nina did too.

"How did it happen?" Nina asked, and the Doctor stopped walking and turned back to her, and Clara caught her breath.

"I was hit in the face," he said, and he glanced to Clara, saw the look of shock in her eyes and then continued explaining to Nina:

"It was my fault, I should be resting but I had your planet to save yet again, so after all that effort I was worn out. _I walked into the Tardis door._"

And Clara could not look at him as she turned away as tears filled her eyes, and then she carried on walking towards the Tardis.

* * *

By the time Clara got there, the Doctor had caught up with her and Nina was no where to be seen.

"You lied for me."

He opened the door.

_"Shut up and get in the Tardis!"_

She obeyed, hurrying inside and he followed and then closed the door firmly.

Clara turned back to him as she tried not to cry as she looked at him and wondered why he had hidden the truth.

"Why did you lie?"

"Because it's 2060 and _any_ form of domestic violence is punishable by fifteen years in prison, that's why! Now shut up and stop asking stupid questions."

He walked over to the console and began to tinker with the controls.

"Nina wants to have you put in a secure hospital," she said quietly, "She mentioned it to me just now."

"She mentioned it to me too," he replied, "I told her to stick her caring attitude up her backside. You don't need to tell me staying around is a bad idea – that's why we're _not_."

And he threw a lever and with a wheeze and a whoosh the Tardis faded in and out of sight and vanished, setting off on a journey through dark, peaceful space.

"Where are we going?" Clara said quietly.

The Doctor looked up from the console, and as the lights glowed the scar on his temple still looked painfully fresh.

"_I don't know,"_ he replied, _"I just know we had to get away."_

And then he fell silent and continued to check the controls as Clara stood there watching but saying nothing as that feeling came over her again, as if she ought to be mourning for the man he used to be, because it seemed that man she used to know was gone forever - and she was afraid he would never return...


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

The Tardis had been in peaceful flight for several hours, and the Doctor looked weary as he stood at the console.

"You didn't set a destination, did you?" she guessed, and he glanced at Clara and shook his head.

"I just put us on a peaceful flight path. We could drift for weeks if we wanted to, longer if we felt like it... _My bloody head hurts!_"

He put his hand to his temple, closing his eyes as pain throbbed and then he swore, this time under his breath, as he waited for the pain to fade out.

"I'm exhausted," he said and as he looked at Clara, he seemed so tired he looked as if he might collapse.

She put her arm around him and turned him from the console.

"Come on," she said softly, "You're tired. Bedtime."

As she led him towards the Tardis corridor he gave a groan.

"I'm not a kid, don't start treating me like you know best...sure sign of a control freak, you push me too far and I'll -"

"Fall over, probably," Clara told him, "You look like you need a nice long sleep."

And for once, the Doctor said nothing more in protest as she led him towards the bedroom, because he felt far too weary to complain.

* * *

A short while later, after helping him to take off his clothes, the Doctor was complaining again.

"_I could have undressed myself, I may have a slowly healing hole inside my head but I'm not sodding helpless!"_

Clara paused before replying, the Doctor was lying on his bed, the covers were folded back and he was naked, the look on his face said he wanted nothing more now he was resting than to pick another fight – presumably _after_ she had tucked him in...

"What are you staring at?" he demanded, and then he blinked tired eyes as he lay on his back, his aching head cushioned by a soft pillow as he fixed his gaze on her, "Comparing me to Danny Pink, are you? Wishing you had soldier boy and his buff young body in front of you instead of this old Timelord?"

She knew he was doing it again, trying to rouse her temper – but as she looked at him, her gaze softened. Anger had caused far too much hurt and she had vowed never to fight with him again.

"No," she said softly as she stepped closer to the bed, "I never think about him, not any more, because I chose you – the man I love."

She paused for a moment, and as her gaze ran over his lean but toned body, he wished his headache would vanish because his flesh ached for her touch even though he felt far too bad tempered to mention it at that moment.

Then Clara turned away, placed his shoes beside the wardrobe and folded his trousers and jacket over a chair next to the dressing table, then she glanced in the mirror that stood on the table and saw him reflected naked as he lay on the bed and she smiled.

"I love to look at you, every single inch of you," she told him, and then as she turned back to him, she saw the anger had faded from his eyes, replaced by a different kind of intensity.

"And now," she said as she went over to his bedside and leaned over him, "You need to rest, you bad tempered, _sexy_ old Timelord!"

And she kissed his cheek and grabbed the covers and folded them into place, covering him up to his chest.

His eyes were drowsy as he looked up at her.

"This old Timelord wouldn't mind a bit of attention...can't you just go down there and -"

"No, you're far too weak! Now go to sleep," she told him kindly, and then Clara left the room, pausing to dim the lights on the way out.

As the Doctor lay alone in his wide double bed in his darkly decorated, Victorian style bedroom, he gave a heavy sigh.

"_Go to sleep?"_ he murmured, _"You control freak, turning me on and then sodding off... I'm not that bloody tired, you come back in here and I'll have you screaming my name... all night...long..."_

And then as he closed his eyes he gave an exhausted sigh, and slipped into a deep and much needed sleep.

* * *

Clara had left the Doctor to sleep and gone back to the console room, where she stood by the monitor and played back the recording captured by the transmitter.

As she heard the Doctor speaking as she remembered him and talking of his longing to be the father of her child, she blinked away tears.

She cast her mind back to happier times, recalling arriving home and finding the Tardis in her bedroom and the Doctor looking at her with that shy expression as he smiled and then glanced downwards, then met her gaze once more:

"_I want you to do that thing for me," he had said softly as his face had flushed, and then as he had stepped closer, he had caught his breath as she had knelt down in front of him and run her hands down his hips and then unbuckled his belt._

"_Turn out the light," he had whispered..._

As he was now, she didn't doubt he wouldn't care if the lights were on or off, and he wouldn't ever give her that shy and endearing look again, because the damage to his mind seemed to have banished all sense of inhibition...

Clara placed her fingertips on the screen as she wished she could slip inside that recording just once to speak again with the shy and gentle man who longed to be the father of her children.

"_I miss you,"_ she whispered softly.

* * *

Back on earth in the year 2060, as her husband closed the door and walked into the apartment, Nina glared at him.

"What do you mean, you spoke to Clara? I told you to keep away!"

He looked at her apologetically.

"This was the one time I had to be there! The Doctor was having life saving surgery – surgery that will change his life for a long time to come! Clara has so much to deal with, of course I wanted to be there, just to tell her everything would be okay!"

She stepped closer to him as anger still smouldered in her eyes.

"Well you had better hope everything _is_ okay, because the Doctor and Clara have left! The Tardis took off unexpectedly! I'm really worried about him - and her - I don't think she can cope with his problems on her own and she's too proud to ask for help!"

"She's trying to protect him," he replied, "She's always been protective of him. Ever since he had the operation, even when he was getting better – I remember, I was there!"

"You was a _child_ at the time!"

"In their time line, I'm not even around yet!" he snapped, "Don't you know how honoured I feel to be able to move through time and witness these moments, don't you understand, why be so angry about it?"

She folded her arms as she looked at him.

"Give me one reason why I shouldn't be angry with you for speaking to Clara," she said, "Go on Raymond, give me your excuse for putting the time line in potential danger!"

And her husband, known as Raymond Lethbridge-Stewart, a man whose life had, thanks to more than one form of time travel, spanned several centuries, looked apologetically at his wife once more.

"_My reason is simple, and it ought to be obvious to you," _he said to her, _"I had to be there for the Doctor and Clara because I'm their son!"_

* * *

As the Tardis drifted easily through space, the Doctor slept deeply as the wound to his temple began to heal.

After grabbing a few hours sleep in her old room, Clara showered and put on a bathrobe and then went back to the Doctor's room, she opened the door quietly, turned up the lights a fraction, and paused in the doorway for a moment, watching him as he slept:

He was on his side, she guessed he had rolled over on to his painful scar and then rolled back again, now he was facing the door with the undamaged side of his head against the pillow. He had kicked the covers off and he was sleeping soundly, his breathing was slow and even and as she walked over to the bed she looked down at him and noticed the bruising was already starting to fade from beneath his eye, it was still present over the scar to his temple, but the swelling had gone down and the bruising seemed less deep.

She slipped off the bathrobe and climbed on to the bed and lay beside him, then she ran her hand over his greying hair and looked at him intently, noticing how his face had lost its pallor and the lines on his face seemed less deep now, it was nothing to do with the softness of the lighting in this room – the Doctor had rested, now he was healing, at least physically, and by the way he slept soundly she knew he was no longer in terrible pain.

"_I don't really know you any more,"_ she whispered, _"But you're still the Doctor, and I love you more than ever."_

He gave a sigh and opened his eyes, and all trace of his former anger was gone on seeing her beside him.

"I needed that sleep."

His eyes seemed brighter. She hoped it was a sign that he was healing, and not just the fact that he had rested and most of the post operative meds were out of his system now.

"I'm sorry I hit you," she said softly.

He met her gaze as his arm slid around her waist.

"So am I. I've _never_ raised a hand to you. I realise I might be a rude, obnoxious pain in the arse right now, but you'll have to excuse that, I feel like half my mind is missing. And I will say this, so take it in, Clara – if you _ever_ hit me again, you're out of here. I don't care if I'm a helpless wreck and a risk to myself when left alone – I'd rather be alone even like this, than have you knocking the shit out of me again, have you got that?"

His words wounded her far more than she showed as she nodded. His rudeness and bad tempered ways were a symptom of his injury, she got that now – she just wished she had let that fact sink in _before _she had lashed out at him...

_He had forgiven her, but she found it far harder to forgive herself..._

The Doctor studied her face, then he pulled her closer until they were side by side sharing his pillow.

"I'm not angry now."

"I'm still angry with myself," she said quietly as she swept her hand over his hair again.

"But I'll _get_ angry if you don't stop stroking me like a dog! My head hurts, leave it alone."

"_Sorry."_

As she lay in the Doctors arms and he fell silent she began to think about the future. Soon, when he was a little better, she would bring up the subject of his dearest wish – to raise a family with her...

Then as she thought more on the subject, she began to wonder about possible complications to her plan:

He had changed vastly since the surgery, and it would take him a long while to become anything close to the man she knew as the Doctor again...

As he was now, he would definitely not take kindly to knowing she had played the transmission recording and heard him speaking of his deepest desires for the future – it was bad enough the Cybermen had raided his hopes and dreams, but to find out she had spied on such a personal moment?

As he was now, if he found out what she had done, he would fly into a rage. He would turn the air blue and then most likely take her home and fly off in the Tardis alone...

_So she wouldn't tell him._

_She would just stop taking her contraceptive pill._

Clara had never thought she could ever be the sort of person to pull such a stunt on someone she loved, that kind of behaviour just wasn't something that belonged in her world – but her world had changed, been shaken up and altered so much it seemed that maybe nothing would ever be the same again.

And if the Doctor had wanted a child so badly before, he would still welcome one now.

_Perhaps he would be angry at first, but that anger would soon fade._

_His personality had changed, but not his deepest desires, because she was still here and he still loved her..._

As they lay together she spoke softly, cautiously skirting around a subject that she knew she had to handle with care.

"Do you have any children?"

The Doctor let go of her and turned on his back, looking up at the ceiling as he laughed softly.

"I'm a Timelord, I've been around for centuries – of _course_ I've fathered children! But all in different places and times, me in different lifetimes... I've had wives and kids before. And a few on the side from some more careless encounters. Why?"

"I just wondered."

"Well don't. I can barely recall most of my other lifetimes, I put it down to my latest regeneration. It's faded out so many memories from the past."

She recalled something Nina had said over the transmission when the Doctor had been trapped.

"Do you remember when Nina hacked in to explain where you were, she said something about a guy shooting monuments in a graveyard?"

He frowned.

"Vaguely. But I don't know what that was about."

"I asked her about it - she said she couldn't reveal top secret information. She also said she was trying to prompt a far distant memory about something that only you would understand."

"Well she was wrong about that. I'm too old to recall early lifetimes now."

"That's what she said, she thought you might not remember, but she said it could ring a few bells."

He gave a sigh.

"I don't give a toss about her or bells or anything else from that place – she wanted to have me locked up. I'm surprised you didn't agree with her."

She met his gaze with a look of surprise.

"I don't care how awful you are sometimes, I know its not your fault. And I'll never walk away from you."

A brief smile flicked about his lips.

"Good thing I didn't get you locked up for hitting me, then."

And he leaned closer and kissed her before she could reply.

Then he rolled on top of her as impatience blazed in his eyes.

"Slow down -"

"I can't, my head hurts..._come here_.."

He kissed her again, taking her sharply, clinging to her as he made love with rough impatience.

* * *

A short while later the Doctor was on his side with his back to her, snoring softly, and Clara wondered why she felt so alone.

He had taken her quickly, impatiently, no foreplay involved, just a brief act to satisfy his own needs, and then he had given a sharp cry of pleasure, thrust hard against her one more time, kissed her, rolled off her, and slipped into another exhausted sleep.

He had not been gentle and patient, shy with the lights off, making love slowly, giving a soft cry of pleasure that he muffled by pressing his face against her shoulder at the crucial moment...

_That man was gone._

As she wondered if the Doctor would ever become the man she used to know she felt tearful, until she slid her hand down to her belly and wondered how long it would be before she conceived his child. That thought brought her comfort, and then as she lay beside him, as he snored softly against the pillow, she began to make plans for the future...

* * *

_The days passed._

The Tardis continued to drift on easily in space, and comforted by his home surroundings, the Doctor's mood, although still short tempered, began to mellow a little and Clara started to hope he was beginning to turn a corner, even though she had been told it would be several years before he made a complete recovery.

And as she took care of him as the days passed by, Clara was learning as she went along:

He complained about anything and everything, and the subject of her former boyfriend was definitely a no-go area.

It was easy to look after the Doctor when he was having a good day, but when he had a bad one he would rant and swear and go on and on about the _fucking Cybermen_ and what they had done to his once perfect mind.

He also suffered headaches and he slept a lot, too.

Sometimes he slept for so long he got up looking disheveled and she had to remind him to shave and shower, other times she had to remind him to eat.

On good days she was thankful to simply know he was still alive and by her side, and on bad days she felt shattered and exhausted and often thought back to Nina's offer of help and decided that while she had done the only thing she felt was right and fair for the Doctor, for her, as his carer, life was often exhausting.

Sometimes she had no sleep because he was restless with head aches, or had lost his temper and had a very long rant about some old battle with a long dead enemy that he had suddenly remembered from another lifetime.

Other nights he wanted to make love, always roughly and impatiently, and then he would slip into a deep sleep that she didn't dare to rouse him from, because being woken before he was ready was yet another trigger for the Doctor's temper.

But through all of it, Clara lived in hope that each time she spotted a small glimpse of his former personality, even if the moment was fleeting, in a look or a smile or a softly spoken word, she hoped he was beginning to recover.

_She supposed she was living in hope because she loved him._

_Not only that, but after a few short weeks of sharing his bed and making love with him at every opportunity, she had also realised she was pregnant..._

Then she started to think about tying up loose ends:

She would have to go back to the school and hand in her resignation.

Then she and the Doctor would have to think about where they would go to raise their child.

But first, there was something _else_ Clara had to do, and given the circumstances, it would be the hardest task of all:

_Before she made her plans for the future, she first had to tell the Doctor she was pregnant..._


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter 8

"_Are you sure about this?"_

As Clara looked across the console at the Doctor, she nodded.

"Very sure. You need me. I have to make this choice. I probably would have done it soon any way, running two lives is hard."

The Doctor looked at her suspiciously.

"_I'm_ hard to be with, is that what you mean?"

"Sometimes," Clara replied, "But it_ is_ my choice."

The Doctor threw a lever.

"Fair enough. Do what you feel is right."

And she silently wished that she could do what was right – what would be right _and_ fair, would be to tell the Doctor why she had decided to resign from her post at the school, but she _still _had not explained the him that she was pregnant...

_It wasn't that she didn't want to do it._

Clara wanted to tell him everything, but each time she had tried to bring up the subject, she had noticed he looked tense, or was having one of those times where some old memory, or even his own confused moments that often angered him, had caused that volatile spark to rise in his eyes once more, and so she had put it off..

So day after day it seemed the longer she left it, the easier it was to leave it – she guessed by the time she had cut all ties with her old life, he would be ready to hear the news.

_Clara just had to pick the right moment._

She knew she was controlling every aspect of what should already have become a shared experience, but Clara could cope no other way, because even though his behaviour had improved slightly, she was still expecting some anger from the unexpected news, and she didn't need to cope with that on top of caring for the Doctor and managing to hide her tiredness and bouts of morning sickness.

_It was all getting a bit too much._

But she still held no regret over walking away from Nina and her offer of help – because she knew if the Doctor had been locked up, he never would have stood any chance of making a full recovery.

And there was also the fact that Clara's strong will and independent nature was screaming at her to stand on her own and deal with this and get on with all of it, even though she felt in tatters emotionally, that need for control would not let up - she _had_ to do it her way - even if her way was, at times, a long and torturous journey...

As the Tardis landed she walked to the door and then glanced back at the Doctor.

"I won't be long."

"I'll wait," he replied, "Don't worry about me."

She met his gaze.

"_But I do,"_ she added, and then she left the Tardis, and headed for the gates of Coal Hill School.

* * *

As she entered the building she felt strange – a few weeks back, she had been on her way to work on an ordinary day, as ordinary as a day could be when the Doctor and the Tardis could show up anywhere at any given time – and she had been thinking about nothing but her plans for her working day.

Now she was heading for her classroom, after a long trip through time and space that had seen the Doctor almost killed... and now her skirt felt a little too tight and her breasts were sore and she felt slightly sick, thanks to the half human Timelord baby growing in her belly...

Clara went about her usual day, feeling more than a little sad for all she was letting go of as the class worked in silence while she sat at her desk writing her letter of resignation.

She hung on to that letter all morning, taking her final class just before lunchtime, and five minutes before the bell went off she stood up.

"You can stop working now, I have something to say," she said, and she looked around the room at the faces of the children who she would not see progress through this school now, because she was leaving, and it pained her to think this was goodbye, to the kids and to the career she had wanted ever since she was a child.

But life had changed, she had new responsibilities, and she could no longer live a double life – she was now responsible for her life _and_ the Doctor's, and also their soon to be born child.

_It would be hard work, and so it was time to move on..._

It made perfect sense, but she still felt an ache in her heart as she began to speak:

"This is my last lesson," she said, "I'm leaving the school. I'm leaving because I'm having a baby and also because my partner is unwell and needs me at home for a while. But it has been a pleasure teaching all of you, and I won't forget you and I hope you don't forget me. Class dismissed."

And the bell rang, and as the kids rose form their seats she saw a few of them looking at her questioningly, and she silently cursed her pregnancy hormones for making her so prone to weeping these days...

"Dismissed," she said again as the kids lingered, curious to know more of the story behind the reason for her resignation.

When the class room was empty she tidied up her desk and looked down at the resignation letter addressed to the head teacher. It was sealed in an envelope now, and there could be no going back because she was pregnant and the Doctor _did_ need her – none of what she had said to the class had been a lie.

_There was no other way, and she knew it._

The classroom was too silent now she was alone.

She looked around the room and thought back to her many happy times here, memories she would always hold close to her heart.

_But her fondest memories of this place were the ones that involved the Doctor..._

She smiled on thinking that, and then she picked up her letter of resignation and walked out of the classroom, closing the door behind her.

* * *

After handing in her letter and leaving before the head could ask too many questions, Clara was walking towards the gates of Coal Hill School for the last time.

She walked with confidence and the sadness she had felt on making her farewell so hurried was gone as she thought once more of the Doctor.

A breeze picked up and ruffled her hair as she walked out of the gates, she ran her fingers through it, pushing her hair back into place, and then she turned towards the long street ahead that led to the place where the Tardis was waiting at the end of the road.

_Where the Doctor was waiting, and she still had something to tell him..._

She gave a heavy sigh, she knew the past was behind her and with every step she took towards the blue box, she was getting closer to the new life that awaited her.

And she was under no illusions:

It would be a life full of struggle and heartache of course because the Doctor was not yet recovered, and would be difficult to live with for quite a while. She had done a little research, reading up on brain injuries – and had been saddened to discover that a recovery usually meant a return to almost normal. Perhaps one day he would be 98, or even 99% recovered – but never 100%.

Injuries to the brain did _not_ heal flawlessly.

He would never be completely recovered, no matter how small the reminders were of how he had changed so much, they would always be there to a degree...

And of course, perhaps bringing a baby into this situation would add to the tension – but only at first, surely?

She had seen how the Doctor had spoken so fondly of his hopes and dreams before the injury had altered his personality, but he still wanted the same things, didn't he?

She felt a flicker of apprehension as she spotted the Tardis in clear sight at the end of the street. Today was the day that she had decided to tell him, now her loose ends were all tied up...

Clara drew in a deep breath as she fixed her sights on the Tardis and then carried on walking towards it as she wondered which one of her many carefully rehearsed lines would come out of her mouth when she told him the news – it would probably_ not_ come out the way she planned, carefully and calmly, because she had never felt so apprehensive in her life...

A wave of nausea came over her and Clara felt caught between hating the helpless inability to control the sensation, or simply accepting it was part of carrying a child.

This was what she had wanted, and she had known pregnancy was a time of great change, but as a person who had a strong need to be in control, it was _very_ hard to hand over that control to the process that was going on inside her.

_But the baby was growing._

That was all she needed to remember, and then she felt calm once again.

She paused, leaning against a wall as she took in some deep breaths.

_She knew she was lucky._

Some women suffered with sickness so badly they couldn't get out of bed.

This was minor and she had to remember that, because she was sure she ought to be grateful – this pregnancy was being kind...as kind as a pregnancy could be in the early stages, she knew she could have been suffering much worse than she was, and it was either down to her child being half alien, or simple old fashioned luck, that she was not really suffering much at all.

She briefly placed her hand low on her belly, where there was little if any swelling to notice – the Doctor certainly hadn't noticed it yet when his hands slid over her body each night – and she thought again about the baby.

"I know you can't help it," she said fondly, "You don't mean to make me feel sick, do you..."

"_Clara!"_

The voice made her jump, brought back memories best left alone and as she turned to see Danny Pink hurrying towards, her, she gave a gasp.

He was the last person she wanted run into – she had hurried to class that morning to avoid the chance of bumping into him...

_She was not in love with him._

_She could have been, had she not known the Doctor._

For while it had been a difficult decision, but in the end, love had found its way and she had chosen her Timelord.

He knew that, and he bore no grudge, he was simply the same friendly good-natured bloke he had always been, and still a friend to her – if she needed him to be...

She turned away from the Tardis at the end of the street, forcing a smile as he caught up with her.

This would _not_ be easy, in fact this could turn rather ugly if the Doctor, in his current state of mind, came out of the Tardis and saw the two of them together. But that wasn't going to happen, she kept telling herself that as she looked at him politely, intending this conversation to be very, _very_ brief...

* * *

"Clara!" he said brightly, "How are you?"

She looked at Danny and smiled back at him, and then her smile faded.

"I've been away...with the Doctor."

"Well you wouldn't be away with anyone else!"

She laughed.

"Of course not."

Then her smile faded again.

And he _knew_ something was wrong, he spotted it right away...

Now it was too late to hide the truth.

"What's wrong?" he asked as his eyes filled with concern.

She gave a sigh. Danny knew her too well – it would be pointless to lie to an old friend, especially one who had once been her lover...

"Nothing really bad...it's over now, so there's no point discussing it, okay?"

"No, you look worried and tired! Actually, you look worn out, too! What's wrong, Clara?"

She kept it brief and tried to play the events down as best as she could.

"The Doctor was injured...shot in the head. He's making a good recovery now, it was a bit scary for a while – it changed him a lot, changed his personality, he kept getting these awful moods...but we've turned a corner now. He's going to be fine, he just needs me to keep an eye on him."

Danny looked at her sympathetically.

"I'm sorry, I wish you'd come back here before, I would have helped -"

"No need, its going to be a long recovery, but he's getting there. I handed in my resignation today, this is long term. The Doctor needs me to care for him."

And as Danny listened and looked at her intently, neither him nor Clara saw the door of the Tardis open:

_The Doctor stepped out, checked the time and then looked up the street._

_Then he carried on looking as he watched Clara talking with Danny Pink..._

"So he's definitely going to be okay?" Danny asked her.

"Yes," Clara said, and hoped she hadn't sounded too emphatic about that point, "He's made a wonderful recovery...his moods have got so much better lately. Hopefully it won't be long before he's back to his old self -"

"_Oi!"_ the Doctor yelled as he began to walk towards them, _"What do you think you're doing, PE? Don't you have a class to go to?"_

The Doctor's eyes were dark with jealous rage.

"What is wrong with him?" Danny exclaimed, "I'm only talking to you -"

"And he won't see it that way, he's obviously having a bad day!"

"A bad day? He looks like he's up for a fight!"

"Well don't!" she warned him as the Doctor walked over to them, "He's had an operation, he's not himself!"

"Tell me about it – he's starting to look like he wants to kill me now!"

"No one is getting killed today - least of all him, I'm having his baby!"

Danny shot her a shocked glance.

"You and the Doctor?"

"Yes!"

"But Clara, he's not well."

"And I can deal with it!"

"Sorry, but I'm not sure you can."

Then the Doctor stepped between them, grabbing Danny by the collar and shoving him up against the wall.

"Can't you keep your hands off her?" he said darkly.

And Danny saw past the blazing anger in his eyes, noticing the deep scar carved into the Doctor's temple.

"Easy, mate!" he said, "I was just talking to her! Let go."

The Doctor's grip tightened. He leaned in close to Danny's face.

"That," he said in a low voice, "Is _my_ girlfriend. You keep the _fuck_ away from her. _I'm_ her boyfriend now, _not _you!"

Clara drew in a deep breath and used her strongest, fight-breaking-up tone that usually worked in the playground:

"_Right, that's enough!" _she said sharply,_ "Doctor, let go! He was just talking to me, I was telling him I was leaving, that's all. Let him go!"_

The Doctor let go of his collar and stepped back, still regarding him with a gaze that bordered on threatening.

"Keep away," he said again, pointing a finger in his face, and Clara slapped his arm sharply, knocking his hand downwards.

"_Stop it!"_

Danny breathed out slowly and shook his head, taking a step back, putting a distance between himself and the Doctor.

"Clara told me what you've been through," he said, "But I really don't think you're as well as she said you are."

And Clara shot him an angry look.

"And you want to have a kid with him, the way he is at the moment?" Danny exclaimed, "Don't do it, Clara."

The Doctor stepped forward, his eyes blazing, in that moment his anger had caused him to miss exactly what Danny had said about Clara having a kid...

Clara grabbed the Doctor's arm and pulled him back.

He turned to her angrily, and for a split second Danny wondered if he would have to step in before Clara got hurt, because the look in the Doctor's eyes suggested he was unpredictable now – but then Clara took control of the situation once more.

"Come on," she said firmly, We're leaving!"

"No, I'm not!" the Doctor exclaimed, "I need to explain to_ soldier boy_ here -" he pointed at Danny again, "That he's got no fucking right! If he touches you, if he -"

Clara glanced to Danny and shook her head.

"He can't help it."

_"You can shut up as well!"_ the Doctor yelled, _"You started this, flirting with your ex in front of me!"_

"Doctor," she said, "Get in the Tardis!"

"No!"

"_TARDIS, NOW!"_ she shouted, pointing to the blue box.

The Doctor glared at her.

"_NOW!"_ Clara repeated, _"I have had enough of you embarrassing me for one day because your messed up brain can't make sense of life any more!" _

And she tightened her grip on his arm as she turned him away from Danny and gave a tug, pulling him in the direction of the Tardis.

As they walked away Danny stood and watched, feeling deeply sorry for all that Clara had chosen to take on. He wanted to follow and offer to help, but he knew she would refuse, because he knew Clara...

Moments later, after she had led the Doctor inside and the door of the Tardis closed sharply, the blue box faded and then vanished from sight.

* * *

"I can't believe you behaved like that!" Clara said angrily as she glared across the console at the Doctor.

He was looking down at the controls, and then he looked up with reluctance and saw anger in her eyes.

"I'm going to bed, I've got a headache," he replied, and then he walked out of the console room.

Clara stood there alone watching as stars rushed by, they were out in space for the second time with no destination, the Doctor had walked away from a heated situation he had caused yet again – was this what he planned to do from now on every time he read a situation wrong?

And what about the _next_ time he picked a fight?

She was pregnant, and knew there was only so much she could safely do in a potentially volatile situation to break up a fight...

Next time, he might not be so lucky, or he might not listen to her enough to allow himself to be pulled back. The outcome could be disastrous in a situation with a stranger who did not know him, far away on some distant alien planet...

Clara leaned heavily on the console as she blinked away tears and quietly addressed the Tardis:

"Okay, it's time to admit it – I _do_ need help with him. I can't do this alone any more."

And as soon as she finished speaking, the Tardis engines briefly sounded, and then fell silent as the ship landed.

"Where have you taken us?" she whispered, looking around the vast control room.

The only reply she heard was the gentle hum of the Tardis – clearly, the Doctor's blue box had listened, and granted her request...

Clara went to the door and opened it, stepping out into a wide, well kept garden. As she looked up at the house, she recognised it at once, and then as the owner walked along the path to greet her in a dark Victorian dress with her heavy veil turned up, exposing her reptilian features and her wise, knowing expression, tears of relief filled Clara's eyes:

The Tardis had known_ exactly_ where they needed to go, and now Clara felt safe and no longer alone with her worries, and as she gave a sob and hugged her alien friend, she was filled with a sense of sheer relief to know that finally, here was someone who could help:

The Tardis had taken them back to Victorian London, and back to Madame Vastra...


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9

As the sun rose on a new day in 2060, as Nina woke up and then sat up, she blinked away sleep and saw her husband was already up and dressed.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm taking the new time manipulation device for a test journey. It's okay, I asked for permission and I have clearance."

She got out of bed, ran her fingers through fair hair messed up by sleep and walked over to him, the sunlight made her short silken gown look sheer as she met with him by a window reflecting a bright morning.

"Where are you planning on going?"  
He looked into her eyes, and then he felt bad about the lie he was about to tell.

"Just a quick trip back to test the time line stretch – I fancied post war London, 1940s."

She looked intently at him.

"You're sure that is where you intend to end up?"

He smiled.

"Of course!"

Then her expression softened.

"Well be careful," she said to him, "You always worry me when you volunteer to test the new improved devices."

He kissed her and then tightened the time device about his wrist.

"Don't worry about me," he said, "I know what I'm doing."

Half an hour later, he was still in the apartment, claiming he was not scheduled to test the device until nine thirty.

Nina went off to work and then he locked the door, hurried through to the spare room and quickly got changed to be sure he looked the part when he arrived at his destination – and moments later, Raymond stood before the mirror as he smiled at his reflection and felt sure he would certainly blend in wearing his fine suit.

He had lied to his wife about everything, of course.

His true destination was Victorian London because he remembered much from stories he had been told as a child, and he knew there was a time and place he needed to be, because the Doctor and Clara needed his help...

* * *

After Clara had left the Tardis, the Doctor had followed, complaining loudly that the Tardis was refusing to start up her engines. And then Madame Vastra had spoken softy to him, seen confusion in his eyes, then noticed the deep scar to his temple and guessed before Clara had a chance to explain that something had happened, and that _something_ had affected him very badly...

Soon Clara was sitting in the parlour on a sofa beside Madame Vastra as Jenny set the tea tray down on the table and then set about pouring the tea.

"No matter what's happened," said Jenny, "Its always good to see you and the Doctor."

And then she had glanced at her wife, whose reptilian features had softened into a fond smile.

"Of course," she replied, "We both agree on that statement."

And then as Jenny left the room, Madame Vastra briefly placed a cool hand on the back of Clara's hand, and looked intently into her eyes.

"Tell me some more. You said the Doctor had the transmitter removed, and he's been.." she paused, casting a glance across the room, where the Doctor sat by the window looking impatient as Strax scanned him, and then she lowered her voice, "He's been _difficult, _ever since?"

"More than difficult," Clara replied, "They said his personality could change for a while but he's getting _so_ volatile -"

"_I heard that!"_ the Doctor snapped, and then as he sat there he looked up at Strax.

"Hurry up with that scanner, my Tardis isn't working and I've got better things to be doing with my time than sitting here getting checked over by a no neck potato head!"

"This will not take much longer, Doctor," replied the Sontaran, and then as he read the results of the scan he glanced at Madame Vastra. Clara saw the look they both shared and felt a chill run through her blood.

"What?" she said in a hushed voice, and the Doctor heard that too.

"I need to get out of here, I don't have time for this!"

"I think perhaps the Tardis has locked down because you are intended to stay here for a while, for your own good," Madame Vastra said politely, "Surely you understand that, given the fact that you are an_ intelligent _and _vastly_ experienced Timelord?"

On hearing those words the Doctor's anger melted away.

"Well of course I understand that, it's just very inconvenient!"

"It is never inconvenient to welcome you into our home," she replied, and then she rang a bell, and in keeping with the pretence they kept up in public, Madame Vastra's wife returned, still behaving in the guise of her maid.

"Show the Doctor to his room," she said, and then as Jenny led him out, she turned to Clara once more.

"You can join him later my dear - we need to talk..."

* * *

As she sat there, worry reflected in Clara's eyes as she glanced to Strax and then back at Madame Vastra.

"What's wrong? You noticed something just now when he was scanned, I saw the look you exchanged!"

Strax stepped closer, read the scan results again and then put the scanner in the pocket of his butler's jacket.

"The Doctor has considerable complications with his healing injury," he replied, "He may quite possibly die...but please do not be distressed, Clara – I am sure all will be well!"

And then he smiled.

She gave a sigh of frustration and turned to Madame Vastra, hoping for an answer that would make sense.

"What is he taking about? The Doctor came through the surgery, he was well enough to leave in the Tardis – the only problem he's been left with is this change in his personality, and I was told to expect that, they said it could take five years to clear up. What _else _could there be?"

Madame Vastra glanced to her Sontaran companion.

"Strax, explain what you found on the scanner."

"The injury is healing leaving a considerable amount of scar tissue building up over the wound," he said, "This will only add to his confused state – and eventually seizures will be inevitable."

Clara looked back to Madame Vastra.

"But he was fine when we left -"

"Exactly_ when_ did he leave the facility where he had treatment? He should have been monitored."

"We left as soon as he could stand up."

Madame Vastra shook her head.

"Oh Clara, he should have stayed on to rest!"

"But they wanted to lock him up. We had no choice but to leave, and the Doctor said he was fine!"

Madame Vastra looked into her eyes.

"Answer this, Clara: Does he seem fine to you?"

"No," she replied quietly.

"He needs to rest, " Madame Vastra continued, "And we must hope the complications do not worsen – Strax can monitor his condition but for now, we do to have a means to treat the scar tissue – providing he rests while he heals and gets through the worst of this phase, his condition should not worsen."

"But the Doctor won't rest! You know what he's like!"

"Then you must persuade him to," Madame Vastra replied, and then she smiled.

"I see a clear difference in you since you last arrived here – I think perhaps your relationship with the Doctor has deepened? If this is the case, there should be no difficulty keeping him in bed, Clara. Although he is a Timelord, he is still a man with the needs of one, and I'm sure you can be persuasive _and_ gentle with it."

Despite her concerns for the Doctor, Clara smiled on hearing those words.

"I'll certainly try."

And then as she looked at her, she drew in a deep breath and made a confession:

"I'm pregnant."

Strax stared at her.

"Have you humanoid species never considered cloning? It is much more convenient! How _inconsiderate_ of the Doctor to put you in this predicament, with a small half human Timelord growing inside your body, which you will have to expel when the time is ready, causing you _considerable _pain! Did you not _know_ this would be the consequence of mating?"

And then he pulled back his angry tone and smiled.

"_Also, congratulations on your pregnancy, Clara Oswald."_

And then as the Sontaran left the room, Clara looked in surprise at Madame Vastra.

"Well that was unexpected – I got a lecture and congratulations at the same time. I _think _he's happy for us?"

Madame Vastra gave a sigh.

"I am not happy for either of you," she confessed, "Really Clara, this is the worst possible time to be starting a family. The Doctor is ill, he needs rest, he needs to recover from the worst of his complications. He is not stable enough to take this on."

"Well I think he is."

"Perhaps you are right," she replied, "I hope so, I want to be wrong about this. But he is ill, you must remember that. Be under no illusion – his condition could worsen at any time and we are limited in the ways we can treat it. You could lose him."

"I won't," she said quietly, "He's strong, he's fighting this."

"If he fights too hard he will wear himself out," Madame Vastra replied, "Nothing can be certain, Clara. But I do wish you both the best and I will do all I can to help."

"Thank you," Clara said as she rose from her seat, "I think I'll go to him now. I won't tell him the results of the scan."

"Very wise," Madame Vastra replied, "I really don't think he could take bad news at this time."

And Clara left the room and headed for the stairs, knowing she could hold her own news back no longer, as she desperately hoped the Doctor would _not _take of her news of her pregnancy badly...

* * *

As Clara headed for the stairs, she was tapped on the shoulder by Strax.

"What do you want?" she asked him, "I need to be with the Doctor."

"This will be brief," Strax replied, "I shall not keep you long...May I?"

And he smiled as he held up his scanner.

She gave a sigh.

"Go on, then – and be quick!"

Strax lowered the scanner close to her belly.

"It is definitely half Timelord. Your child has two hearts. It is a boy!"

And she saw a sparkle in his eyes.

She laughed softly.

"So much for your lecture!" she exclaimed, "You really are excited about this baby, aren't you!"

"I should like to care for you during your pregnancy," he added, "I am a trained medic. And I am keen to deliver your child!"

His eyes were sparkling as he smiled.

She tried not to let her surprise show too much as her eyes widened, then she smiled politely back.

"We will have to see, I'm not sure how long we will be staying," she replied, "But thanks for the offer."

And then she hurried off up the stairs.

* * *

Clara found the Doctor in a darkly decorated bedroom that was smaller, but not unlike, his own room back at the Tardis.

He was standing at a window and looking out at a view of Victorian London, and as she entered the room he let go of the curtain and turned around.

"How long are we expected to stay here? What the bloody hell is the Tardis playing at? I know I have some minor repairs to make to the console thanks to the silver Cyber bastard that blew a couple of holes in it, but that's not a reason for her to dump us here!"

"You were brought here to rest," Clara replied, "So that you can heal properly."

And then she thought back to all she had been told. She knew the Doctor would need some kind of explanation, so she told him a little of the facts:

"Your scan showed you are not healing very well – because you're not resting enough. So the Tardis brought you here to rest."

The Doctor frowned, and she saw that troubled, confused look was back in his eyes once more.

"Clara," he said, "I know I'm not right. I've not felt right since I woke up from the surgery. I don't mind admitting it makes me feel a bit lost sometimes, and scared, too. I hate feeling like this."

Clara joined him at the window.

"Don't be afraid. All you need to do is rest, and you will start to feel better. And you're not alone, I'm here."

The Doctor looked into her eyes and for a moment he said nothing as he stood close to her, his gaze locked on hers. When he broke the silence what he said surprised her:  
"My senses work slightly different to yours. Every time I'm close to you I pick up a certain scent. _You smell like you're pregnant._"

"That's because I am."

"_Is it mine?"_

She stared at him.

"Because you can't put the blame on me if its Danny Pink's kid, or anyone else, any of your other earth boyfriends, I'm a Timelord, my kid would have two hearts!"

Clara looked at the scar on his temple. She studied it and remembered why it was there, because it was _only _thanks to that scar that she didn't slap him again.

"Of _course_ the baby is yours! Strax just scanned me and told me we're having a boy, and he has two hearts."

The news was sinking in despite his confused mind.

His blue eyes widened in surprise, and then he smiled.

"So you're having my baby?"

She nodded.

"_Mine?"_

She laughed softly on seeing such a look of surprise and wonder in his eyes.

"I'm glad," he said as he gently held her, then he kissed her and looked into her eyes again, his own gaze reflecting joy.

"I know you must have stopped taking your primitive but effective contraceptive pills, but that doesn't matter! I can over ride that medication any time I like because I'm a Timelord - and I've often thought about getting you pregnant without asking you! I don't mind that you didn't ask me!"

Her jaw dropped.

"_You know?"_

"Yes, and I don't care! I love you, I want this more than anything, Oh Clara, this is wonderful. Come here!"

And as he held her she embraced him as they stood by the window where beyond, the sun shone down on a day in Victorian London.

At that moment nothing else mattered but their happiness, and she clung to that joy as she felt new hope for a future that had before seemed so uncertain.

Then as she broke off from their embrace, she took charge of the situation, starting as she meant to go on:

"Right," she said, "If you want to be well enough to meet your son a few months from now, I suggest you do as I say. Go to bed and get some rest!"

Joy still shone in his eyes as he went over to the bed, kicked off his shoes and lay back on top of the covers.

"And _stay_ there!"Clara reminded him.

"Yes Boss," he replied, and it suddenly occurred to her that for the briefest moment he had sounded like the man she used to know – she had seen a glimpse of the Doctor as he was before the shooting, and knowing that made her hopes soar even higher.

She climbed on to the bed next to him and they rested together as the sun shone through the window and for once, the Doctor's mood stayed light as he put his arm around her and talked softly of the future and how he felt as if his dreams were coming true at last - and for Clara, it seemed like the long, dark journey they had been through had finally reached an end, because at last the Doctor was starting to sound like the man she knew and loved once more.

* * *

_It wasn't over._

As the tall man in the smart suit walked through the streets of Victorian London towards the home of Madame Vastra, he knew he had no choice but to visit this time and place, even though here his own mother was currently carrying him in her womb...

_The Doctor needed help._

_He knew this because he remembered all he had been told as a boy, about how his father had suffered for years before his head injury finally healed._

_And he was here to set that right._

_It would not endanger his own existence - he would make sure of it. _

_He would tell them nothing, even though his twin hearts were bursting with love and the heartache caused by so many years of separation._

_They were yet to learn how they would know their young son for such a short time, or why he would be snatched away from them._

_He could not tell them his life story, as much as he wanted to. _

_Nor could he tell them why his name was Lethbridge-Stewart instead of Smith, or why the Brigadier had been the one to take him in and raise him – because it had not happened yet, and he could not afford to toy with a time line that could affect his own future, because that future was a complicated one..._

Raymond had reached the door of Madame Vastra.

He rang the bell, feeling a swirl of emotions as he ached to hold his mother and father and tell them he loved them, and he also longed to see _Auntie Jenny _and _Auntie Vastra _and _funny Mr Strax _once more – he had not seen any of them since he was six years old...

_And only Raymond knew why, and he could give nothing away, for the sake of his own complicated time line._

He waited at the door, determined to simply help the Doctor and then leave - because to do more could endanger the path of his own future...


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

It was Strax who brought the visitor through to the parlour to meet Madame Vastra.

"He says he is the Doctor's son," Strax announced, and then Madame Vastra looked with interest at the stranger and dismissed the Sontaran butler.

The visitor looked at her with swirl of emotion in his eyes.

"Auntie Vastra!" he exclaimed, "I haven't seen you since I was a boy!"

She stared at him. The resemblance to the Doctor – and also to Clara – was astonishing...

"I am a time traveller," he added, "Well, to be specific, I work for earth defense in the year 2060 – a recent improved version of a time manipulation device enabled me to travel far back to this time, so that I can be here for my father."

Madame Vastra was still staring at him as she rose from her seat and stepped closer to him.

"Raymond, I do not have a reason to doubt your story – and looking at you, I see the resemblance to both of your parents. But this is_ very_ dangerous! In this time you are not yet born, Clara is pregnant and your father's health is not good! You should leave now, before you risk altering the course of your own future!"

"_I can't."_

He reached into his pocket and drew out a small, flat device and placed it in the palm of his hand.

"See this? It's a pulse device designed to heal living tissue. I think if my father used this on a regular basis, it could save him a lot of suffering as he recovers. I remember when I was a young boy, he used to get seizures and headaches and his moods were terrible sometimes. It was lot of worry for my mother, too. But if I give him this device, it will not exactly speed up the healing process, more like it will make the process easier on him. His symptoms will be less severe. He will have an easier time of it as he recovers."

Madame Vastra nodded.

"Very well, you may give it to him - as you have come so far."

And then he smiled.

"Thank you Vastra," he said warmly, "I was always meant to do this."

And as she regarded him thoughtfully, she saw much of the Doctor reflected in his eyes – much of his timeless awareness of the universe, although she doubted if Raymond fully comprehended it, as much as he understood the nature of time travel...

He was not as smart as the Doctor, it was plain to see – but how could he be, when he was so very much younger than his wise Timelord father?

"Wait here," Madame Vastra said, "I will fetch him for you."

And Raymond waited in the parlour as she left the room, and as he thought of his father, he knew that keeping secret all he knew about the future would prove to be easier said than done when the Doctor walked through the door and he looked into his eyes for the first time after so many long years...

* * *

Madame Vastra felt sure it had to be one of those fateful moments that were set in time, something meant to be – when she entered the Doctor's room he got up quietly and carefully, because Clara was sleeping...

"Come," she whispered, and she beckoned to him.

The Doctor smoothed out the creases from his suit, slipped on his shoes and then he left the room, closing the door carefully behind him.

He knew at once from the look in her eyes that she had some secretive information.

"What's this about?"

"_Your son is downstairs,"_ she said in a hushed voice.

He stared at her.

"No _my_ son -" he paused, pointing a finger towards the closed door where behind it his pregnant lover lay sleeping.

"Your son, using an early time manipulation device, has travelled here from the distant future. _He has a gift for you_."

The Doctor's eyes widened in surprise, and then he turned away from Madame Vastra and hurried down the staircase, his twin hearts pounding as he wondered why his son, many years from now, would need to travel here, back to a time before his own birth...

* * *

The Doctor walked into the parlour and stopped abruptly on coming face to face with the tall man who shared his build and eye colour, who also had Clara's brown hair. He looked to be around fifty – he was in good shape for his age, and he was relaxed enough - apart from the expected emotion he saw in his eyes – to clearly indicate he was completely comfortable with travelling through time...

"Is it true?" he asked in a hushed voice, "Are you -"

"Yes, I'm your son," he replied, "My name is Raymond. I can't stop long, I can't say much -"

"Understandable – unless there's anything urgent I _need_ to know?"

And as Raymond looked into his father's eyes, he felt caught by his alien stare, he was looking at him as if he could see through his soul.

"I can't tell you anything, he told him, "Please, leave it at that – but I do have something for you."

And he drew the device from his pocket and handed it to him.

"It's a tissue healing aid – if you wear this over the wound the scar tissue will heal much easier internally, and you will suffer less."

"Less than I'm supposed to?" the Doctor wondered.

And memories flashed through Raymond's mind, recollections of his early years and the suffering his father had gone through, and as he replied the pain that reflected in his eyes surprised the Doctor:

"_No one should have to suffer like you did!"_ he said, and then he drew in a sharp breath as he fought to hold back on weeping, "Please, just use it. I want to spare you pain and spare mum a lot of fear and worry."

The Doctor slipped the device in his pocket.

"As you've put it that way, I'd better not refuse."

"It's just my way of looking after you," Raymond replied, "I felt so helpless when was a kid, watching you suffer -"

"_Suffer what?"_

The Doctor's questions were difficult to ignore, he was good at picking out threads and giving them a tug to see what information he could extract...

"The moods, the seizures, it got much worse before it got better. At least you won't suffer the worst of it if you use this device."

The Doctor looked into his son's eyes.

"Thank you," he said thoughtfully.

"Now I should leave -"

"_No."_

The Doctor's gaze had darkened.

"You're not going anywhere until you tell me what you're hiding," he said to him, "I _know_ there's something. _Explain yourself.._."

A short while later, the Doctor walked with his son to the door and as he opened it, he looked to him with eyes shaded with troubled thoughts:

He regretted it now, asking _why_.

Raymond had told him everything – and now he knew his time with his child would be short, and there would be nothing he could do to prevent the child being snatched away by dark forces – something he could _not_ allow Clara to know about, because she was pregnant, because she had already been through too much – and also because he was afraid if she learned the truth, she would demand that he took her home, and then he would still be separated from his son - and he could not allow that to happen, because too much was at stake...

"Thank you for telling me the truth," he said.

Tears filled Raymond's eyes as he looked at his father.

"I've missed you so much, Dad!" he said, and he threw his arms around him and hugged him, and for once, the Doctor did not freeze, because hugging his own flesh and blood felt so right that he did not want to let go.

But he did let go, and Raymond stepped back.

"I love her," he said, "I love my wife. Nina is everything to me. I wish my life had turned out differently, that I'd got to grow up with you and mum – but if I had, I never would have met her. So regretting makes little sense, but I do, in my own way."

The Doctor thought of the child growing in Clara's womb and as he realised much of his plans for the future had just been dashed away, he nodded, as his eyes clouded with sorrow.

"I can understand that," he told him, "You can't trade the whole of your childhood with us for the loss of your wife. It wouldn't be fair."

Tears shone in Raymond's eyes as he placed his hand on the dial of his time manipulator.

"See you around," he said, and there was was flash of light, and Raymond was gone.

The Doctor stood alone in the open doorway for a moment, looking thoughtfully at the spot where his son had stood as he thought on all the terrible things he had told him about a future that would see him snatched away at the age of six.

"Sorry," he said darkly, "But I lied, Raymond – I _don't _understand. I need to see my son grow up – and you can always find yourself another wife. I _will_ be doing all I can to change this outcome!"

And then he slammed the door, and the sound reverberated throughout the house.

* * *

_Time passed._

The Doctor rested, and with the use of the tissue repair device, found his moods began to even out as his headaches faded away.

He had good and bad days - on a good day, he would playfully pull Clara back into bed and ask her to give him some more _therapy -_ that had come about as a way for Clara to keep him in bed resting - and had quickly become their code word for something _else,_ as Clara laid him down on the bed and traced a path of kisses down his body, until those kisses turned intimate and he was grabbing at the pillow as her mouth took him all the way to ecstasy...

But on a bad day when his bad moods darkened, the slightest upset would send him into a rage – even imagined causes prompted it – there were times when he had yelled abuse at Strax for no reason other than he had passed him in the hallway, and Clara was sure she would never, _ever_ forget the day the Doctor had burst into the parlour while she was taking tea with Madame Vastra and Jenny, and he had accused her of being part of a three way lesbian affair.

But his angry and paranoid outbursts were becoming less frequent, and as the months passed by, thanks to the tissue repair device, he seemed to improve vastly - so much that by the time winter came around and Victorian London was covered with snow and Clara went into labour, the man who held her hand as their son came into the world was very much the Doctor, the man she had known and loved before the head injury had happened...

* * *

As Clara held her newborn son in her arms she looked to the Doctor, who was sitting at her bedside, and as she saw joy shining in his eyes her own gaze shone with happiness.

"I keep thinking about Nina's husband – that device he gave you, its working so well -" she paused, wondering if it was her hormones making her tearful or just the fact that she was thankful the man she loved was making a recovery, "It's working so well I feel as if its thanks to him I got the real you back," she said softly, "And I'd like to name our son after him because as far as I'm concerned, he saved you. _Because of Raymond, everything is okay_."

The Doctor smiled and then as he leaned over Clara he paused to kiss her, and then she handed him their son, and then as she rested and drifted off to sleep he carried the child over to the window, where he cradled his son in his arms as he looked out at a snow covered Victorian London and thought of the man his child would one day become – in another time and place, that man was already out there, far off in the future...

He looked down at his baby son and spoke softly to him:

"I know too much," he said, "And the man you became in the future would _not_ understand my reasons – but you're my son, and I fully intend to do all I can to make sure we are _not_ separated – I _am_ going to change your future, I'll make sure of it..."

Then he looked up, and out of the window, and his blue eyes reflected the leaden grey of the snow-filled skies:

"_Clara is wrong,"_ he whispered, _"Everything is not okay, but I'm going to change that, Raymond – I will make sure everything turns out okay in the end, no matter what it takes to do it – nothing will separate us, I promise you that, no matter the cost, I will protect you from harm... "_

End.

* * *

**Author Note:**

**And that is the end of Book 1! **

**Hope it was enjoyed by all.**

**The story will be concluded in the sequel, The Doctor's Son Book 2 : Child of Time.**


End file.
